Our youngest, our baby girl, shes 11 now, We feel we are starting to loose her and it hurts more then words can say.
When she want into care she was a carefree happy child, relaxed, a pleasure to be around, loved to read, loved to sit and curl up under a blanket for cuddles, loved being on the beach, spent hours swimming if she could.
When she went into care, at first this child stayed the same, then she was moved nearly 2 hours away, to a new placement,
A placement were the foster carer was fed false information about us as parents, one where the social worker was friends with the foster carer, one where they met for cups to tea outside of work.
The foster carer, has met with us no more then 3 times, she barely spoke a word to us each time, openly being cold towards us.
At sibling contacts, of which we do not attend, openly making comments to our daughter such as told you you aren’t a favourite
When our daughter spoke with her brother about returning home, he replied of course i want too, do you* our daughter replied yes, then ran to the foster carer spoke with her, ran back to her brother and said actually no its best I stay in care. The foster carer has also said to my inlaws, I don’t think the oldest should have gone home ,
Its hard, there is more, this is just some small examples. The social worker is one i mentioned in prior post, the one who was very negative about us, we believe that this has impacted on her parenting of our daughter from the foster carer.
We, for a long time where not invited to any meetings, kept in the dark about her care, she turned up one day to contact, ears pierced hair cut short, simple things, but the ears are things we should, as parents have had a say in, we wouldn’t have disallowed it, it just would have been nice to have been informed!
We eventually got that social worker removed, but sadly her paperwork and false allegations was followed by the new social worker, who believed the black and white writing over actual spoken and in person evidence of the people we had grown to become and where still growing, seeing in a report things about myself, written as though they were current, when in fact they were historical, hurt.
Moving back to our daughter, for a long time, like her brother she wanted to come home, wasn’t as vocal about it, it was almost spoken in fear.
Last year when we went back to court, we had hope, she was keen to move things forward, then it fell apart when our oldest went back into care I saw in paperwork, in Feb, contact notes, where our daughter said mum lied about us going home , Instead of being corrected, her opinion was confirmed and almost encouraged, allowing her to believe her own words, instead of being informed, you may feel that way, but the reality is,… My heart sunk when I read she thought this, as around this time, she said she didn’t want extra contact, nothing more than what she had already. We respected her wishes, and again focused on her brother who was loud in wanting what he wanted, though it was always ignored, told its not true etc.
Moving forward to more recent, our youngest, she had contact with her grandparents every month. A couple months ago we got a distressed call from my inlaws, with less then a few hours notice, they were informed she no longer wanted to see her grandparents 12 times a year, instead, just four times.
So their contact was cancelled. We were also informed she only wanted two hours with us now instead of 3. We respected her wishes, with just a few days notice .
Last week things changed once again, our inlaws due to have her the next day, they prepared for the weekend, excited to see her, it had been a while. Suddenly 4pm on the Friday, we all get an email, she no longer wanted to see her grandparents in person, she wanted telephone calls only instead, With us, she no longer wanted to join the contact with her brother, in the community.
She apparently just wants two hours on her own with us in a contact centre. Confused, we are not being told why this is happening, confused on the reasons behind it.
We find it strange this has only happened, now the old social worker we got removed, has come back on the case.
We are unable to contact her, as she refuses to communicate with us, all information comes third hand when its passed through, which can take weeks, as she is often on leave. We have asked over and over, email after email, but we get no response.
We have only been told that its purely coincidence that our youngest daughter has made these choices now that the old social worker is back.
But is it really a coincidence that a professional who refuses to see the positives in parents, who struggles to acknowledge growth, who claims to know best, and who has been openly negative about us in written reports, is placed back on the case…
and suddenly our youngest no longer wants what she once had with us?
No longer wants what we had been gently working towards.
Instead, she is taken back two years , to a place that doesn’t feel like growth at all, requesting less contact, and more restriction.
I don’t know whether this is coincidence, influence, or fear.
I just know it doesn’t feel like her.
It doesn’t feel like growth.
It feels like we’re being edged backwards, step by step,
while being told this is simply what she wants.
And maybe it is.
Or maybe it’s what feels safest
when the adults around her decide what safety looks like.
What I can’t ignore is the difference in how their voices are treated.
When she asks for change, it happens quickly —
sometimes without notice, sometimes without explanation.
And yet her brother has been asking for two years to come home.
For more time.
For progress.
His wishes are discussed, reviewed, delayed, Hers are acted on immediately. I don’t know what that says about the system.
I only know what it does to siblings —
and how heavy it feels to watch that imbalance play out in real time.
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