https://youtu.be/35rT3J9kKYQ Surrenderyou still reach for me half asleepbefore reality settles inlike your heart still lives somewheremine no longer knows how to reach and I lie awake beside youstaring at the dark againwondering when survivalbecame the shape we started living in you tell me you miss me latelywhile I’m still lying next to youand I don’t… Continue reading Surrender
Tag: life
Dear Husband
https://youtu.be/Aekn1S2IKhQ Dear Husband Somewhere along the way,your need to be wantedbecame louderthan my need to feel safe beside you. And I don’t think you ever noticedthe exact moment I started disappearing. Not all at once.Not dramatically.Just slowly. A thousand tiny cutsdisguised as passing comments,wandering attention,and apologiesthat only lasted long enoughfor the cycle to begin again.… Continue reading Dear Husband
I was never taught how to be a daughter, my mother unable to understand how to be a mother herself, my path grew from here into one where any role I had, became impossible to navigate. I failed as a daughter, I failed as a sibling.... I grew up without them around me like a… Continue reading
The Distance That Grew Without Warning
Our youngest, our baby girl, shes 11 now, We feel we are starting to loose her and it hurts more then words can say. When she want into care she was a carefree happy child, relaxed, a pleasure to be around, loved to read, loved to sit and curl up under a blanket for cuddles,… Continue reading The Distance That Grew Without Warning
When Doing the Work Still Isn’t Enough
I’ve avoided talking about this publicly for a long time, not because I’m ashamed, but because it’s complicated. But so many people keep asking what happened, and I think it’s time to explain what I can.I won't deny when our mini humans were placed into care, life felt impossible at times, but we had reached… Continue reading When Doing the Work Still Isn’t Enough
The Work You Can’t Measure
Sat down with a coffee day, and I felt it — that deep, tired ache in your chest when you’ve done everything right and still feel like it’s not enough. So today, I want to speak about a different path yet linkI rarely speak of the situation with social services here, . Nor about court… Continue reading The Work You Can’t Measure
From Crisis to Worship: A Journey Held by Grace
Its taken me a long time to get where I am, I work on myself every day, I don't believe I will ever find myself at a place of full contentment with myself, but I know I can speak in a way that I know I make progress every single day,Today marks a big milestone… Continue reading From Crisis to Worship: A Journey Held by Grace
I did a thing
This week has been bittersweet, one of mixed emotions, starting in hell and ending in a better place. I simply cannot afford too allow myself to feel the emotions of Monday, that is something that cannot be allowed at this current time, I cannot and will not risk my Mental Health any further then it… Continue reading I did a thing
Reality, what is it really? is it what we know, or is it a figment of time that we don't actually live? I no longer know, esp when my mind plays games like it did today Driving my car today, I glance around, checking the mirrors,Roads, trees, cows, the sky, fields, other traffic, Clear, sharp,… Continue reading
Have you ever just stood there, in any location, and wondered how? Have you ever looked around you, in any place, and thought, what?Have you ever just sat and looked at someone and wondered, Who?Today, Stood in the middle of a supermarket, I look at my husband, I look around me, and nothing feels real,… Continue reading
2006
At a time when I crave solitude and to be on my own, there was once a time, I had more then enough alone time, there was a time, I went from being in a supported unit, with people around, to nothing, pure nothing.My first proper home should have been one of joy.A home where… Continue reading 2006
gift receiving
Why is gift receiving such a uncomfortable experience? As another year has passed, another dot on my existence, Another reminder that I still sit today in this world. Another Christmas gone by, I once again question life, Everything I do, questioned, every moment, Currently, I only want to create a good memory, Yet its so… Continue reading gift receiving
Not Worth Saving
3 words, just 3 simple words that suddenly hit home when writing a post on a forum, 3 words that flowed from my fingers before I knew what I was writing. Words that suddenly brought tears, understanding and a feeling of calm for a moment. I understand now, I understand A young toddler, stood watching… Continue reading Not Worth Saving
To the Kind Souls
On the flip side to yesterday's distressing time, I thought it was time I mentioned the kind people, the ones who do care, the one's who have gone above and beyond. For years I have been self employed, after a break due to my mental breakdown, In June I was in a position to restart… Continue reading To the Kind Souls
To the Lady in Sainsburys
You may never read this, but I will guess you won't as you clearly don't think of others.I went to our local Sainsbury's today, it's not easy for me to do this, Anxiety is high for me, just the mere thought of having to go. Fear of judgement from others, as I cannot wear a… Continue reading To the Lady in Sainsburys
Miss you
A while back I started to blog my childhood, I touch now on a path that causes me tears, I have others but this is the strongest in emotions Saturday August 18th 2001 My father left this world, a day I will never forget, Tuesday August 18th 2020, I finally was able to say *hello*… Continue reading Miss you
Today wasn’t kind
Today wasn't kind, not in a bad way, but in a way of experience, Life is an experience, every day I learn to deal with whatever my mind and body throws at me, Today was no different, yet it landed me mentally and physically exhausted. A simple trip out with my husband and three of… Continue reading Today wasn’t kind
What is Life?
I was once asked a question, of would I turn back time, they never said how far, they never gave a time point. It was a question that I feel is open ended with infinite possibilities.Turning back time, turning it back to my birth, turning the clock to off, Remove all chances of the life… Continue reading What is Life?
Self Care
I have a lot tell me that I am doing well, I have many tell me that clearly medication and therapy etc is working. I have learnt to smile sweetly, and reply sure thing dude. When in reality I want to scream that it doesn't work that way. If only it was that simple, yet… Continue reading Self Care
Control Yourself
Emotion I have always struggled with, hugs came with pain, Verbal emotion resulted in a telling off,I have never fully had the chance to understand or trust emotion, always expecting another motive,Whilst my moods and tempers as I grew, never allowed to be their own, instead, teased and mocked,Expression not allowed without a negative reaction.… Continue reading Control Yourself
Clashing Worlds
2 worlds, my own love, and my husbands, both dream's, hope's and passion working along side either other, until the day came one of us had to make a choice. This path has watched me change and grow over the years, a path that scares me, as I never know were I am one moment… Continue reading Clashing Worlds
24 hours of time
The past 24 hours has opened a world, I didn't intend on visiting, It opened a past I had kept under lock and key, a world I fear. A memory of a time, I wished to blog about, but didn't know when. Every day, became the tomorrow, the tomorrow became another time,Every excuse was heard… Continue reading 24 hours of time
The first time
As a child, I loved stories being read to me, Enid Blyton, the secret Severn or, the famous five, These stories, I read as a child, from the age of 5, forward, The magic tree, I adored, a fairy tale, I could escape in, A world I loved. I recall my bedroom as a 6… Continue reading The first time
London
A memory that sits strong in my mind, a flash back that has happened more then one time, a moment that lives blurred but strong in a time of confusion. A moment with no strong timeline, I ask bare with me as I blog this memory, my first of this style, this is so hard,… Continue reading London
Dreams
Dream's, the one thing that visits me without fail, lock down or no lock down, just another part of my life I cannot control. Dream's that come when I sleep, dream's that fill me with apprehension before my body even lays down. Fear of the unknown filling my mind. Dreams where I struggle to know… Continue reading Dreams
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