Was that you saying hello when my world faded to white, 5 yrs ago,What that you saying hello, the night the wind whispered in my ear, 4 yrs ago, Was that you saying hello when the same song kept playing over and over, 2 years ago, Was that you saying Hello, as I placed a… Continue reading Was that you saying hello?
Tag: mental health
It’s OK
I have tried for so long to try and find who I really am, but I realize now, that I will only ever find parts of myself, and I am OK with that To find out even one part, is a long process, but I am OK with that, to discover anything on this journey… Continue reading It’s OK
Root Cause
I have held back from here of recent, as I have tried to find my own path, refusing to sit in negative memory, refusing to be dragged back to the bad places, I couldn't work out why I was back there, my childhood traumas already dealt with, how else had I got through life without… Continue reading Root Cause
I did a thing
This week has been bittersweet, one of mixed emotions, starting in hell and ending in a better place. I simply cannot afford too allow myself to feel the emotions of Monday, that is something that cannot be allowed at this current time, I cannot and will not risk my Mental Health any further then it… Continue reading I did a thing
I’m Not Afraid
Im not afraid, my mantra over the last 3 years,the one that I whisper,as a panic attack rolls like a wave over me,as the blade used to dig into my skin,as my world was torn from beneath me, wording to reassure the chaos in my mind im not afraid of my past,im not afraid of… Continue reading I’m Not Afraid
Nope, I lied
I lied, I am afraid so very afraid, as anxiety sits within so tight over the last few day's, not once leaving my side, Meant to be working towards the positives, I am trying, but fear get's in the way, I am so afraid of being alone once again, I am so afraid of waking,… Continue reading Nope, I lied
Your last Breath….
You would think I would be used to the nightmares, One's that visit nightly, it's become almost a comfort to me. Until the one's of recent. The one's that I struggle to comprehend, when there is no reason for them, those are the one's I do not wish to visit me upon an nights rest.… Continue reading Your last Breath….
What you don’t see
I write this post, because people think I am fine, I am fine, I am not OK but I am fine. I do this with the mind that people see me online, they see me working, they see me sharing, I am communicating, I am planning, what they don't see goes a lot deeper, but… Continue reading What you don’t see
The nightmare’s return
My mind distracted, so many what if's, so many what about's, so many just what, and when's, my mind distracted, sleep wasn't a friend, I miss those nights. For now, sleep visits once again with it the nightmares of a world so far from my own, yet so connected. Walking a path, to a home,… Continue reading The nightmare’s return
Reality, what is it really? is it what we know, or is it a figment of time that we don't actually live? I no longer know, esp when my mind plays games like it did today Driving my car today, I glance around, checking the mirrors,Roads, trees, cows, the sky, fields, other traffic, Clear, sharp,… Continue reading
Words Can Hurt
My past, is a past that has caused me so much pain and anger, from the moment I was born, it has never ended, Much lays hidden in the depths of my mind, dropping in often unexpected as a reminder of the path I have walked. One part of my journey though, has been documented… Continue reading Words Can Hurt
Have you ever just stood there, in any location, and wondered how? Have you ever looked around you, in any place, and thought, what?Have you ever just sat and looked at someone and wondered, Who?Today, Stood in the middle of a supermarket, I look at my husband, I look around me, and nothing feels real,… Continue reading
Hauntingly Silent
I have been silent once again here, My life is taken over by everyone and everything else, Yet, one thing I am able to do, is something I have wanted to do for so long,Yet, for many reasons, I have had to wait, confidence being the main one, Yet now is the time, Now is… Continue reading Hauntingly Silent
Sleep
Sleep, for some an escape from this world, a chance to rest and forget about life for a few hours, For others a land of nothing until the next morning, to wake with no fear, just ready for another day,For some others, sleep doesn't happen often, and when it does, it takes them to a… Continue reading Sleep
gift receiving
Why is gift receiving such a uncomfortable experience? As another year has passed, another dot on my existence, Another reminder that I still sit today in this world. Another Christmas gone by, I once again question life, Everything I do, questioned, every moment, Currently, I only want to create a good memory, Yet its so… Continue reading gift receiving
Forgetful
Early hours of the am, I feel the words I wish to speak, but by the morning, my mind escapes me, So I blog now, in the hope I make sense of the mind I live. At night I speak what I feel in the hope of the morrow I remember, I tell myself I… Continue reading Forgetful
Laying in bed, stating into the darkness, sleep no longer a option, Curled up under the duvet, praying sleep to come, I watch the shadows dancing in the moonlight. Anxiety starts to kick in, my tummy doing back flips, I feel sick. My mind starts to play games,You deserve this, if you hadn't have done… Continue reading
1st Step
I keep getting told to get help, but help isn't always easy to get, so many seem to think it's as simple as picking up the phone and asking for it, but sadly that's not the reality, esp in this covid ridden world right now. In Jan of 2020, a phone call, wiped me from… Continue reading 1st Step
A Glimmer of Hope
Last week, step's were made in the start of getting help, actual support, as I was referred to a service that had never been mentioned to me before, a service I could contact when in times of crisis. I held this information close, trusting I could use it, would use it, I didn't know, I… Continue reading A Glimmer of Hope
Not Worth Saving
3 words, just 3 simple words that suddenly hit home when writing a post on a forum, 3 words that flowed from my fingers before I knew what I was writing. Words that suddenly brought tears, understanding and a feeling of calm for a moment. I understand now, I understand A young toddler, stood watching… Continue reading Not Worth Saving
To the Kind Souls
On the flip side to yesterday's distressing time, I thought it was time I mentioned the kind people, the ones who do care, the one's who have gone above and beyond. For years I have been self employed, after a break due to my mental breakdown, In June I was in a position to restart… Continue reading To the Kind Souls
To the Lady in Sainsburys
You may never read this, but I will guess you won't as you clearly don't think of others.I went to our local Sainsbury's today, it's not easy for me to do this, Anxiety is high for me, just the mere thought of having to go. Fear of judgement from others, as I cannot wear a… Continue reading To the Lady in Sainsburys
A Mask
A hand over my mouth and nose, Forcing my mouth shut, forcing me to swallow,A hand over my mouth and nose, My breath laboured, I couldn't swallow, the tears fell, I tried to kick out, but a small child against an adult I had no choice, Swallow or lose the chance to breathe once again,… Continue reading A Mask
What is Life?
I was once asked a question, of would I turn back time, they never said how far, they never gave a time point. It was a question that I feel is open ended with infinite possibilities.Turning back time, turning it back to my birth, turning the clock to off, Remove all chances of the life… Continue reading What is Life?
The Figure in the Mirror
I have always been told yesterday is a memory, and too look only unto tomorrow, Yet what if the yesterday comes and pay's a visit with no warning, what happen's then? What are we supposed too do? I mean, yesterday I drove a path I walked physically a year ago,I assumed I would be fine,… Continue reading The Figure in the Mirror
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