Root Cause

I have held back from here of recent, as I have tried to find my own path, refusing to sit in negative memory, refusing to be dragged back to the bad places,
I couldn’t work out why I was back there, my childhood traumas already dealt with, how else had I got through life without it effecting me? Therapy already done years ago.
Yet it was insisted, and is insisted by the system that I must undertake another 2-3 yrs of it? I don’t understand it, nor why, a assumption based on a assessment that shouldn’t have been undertaken at the time it was done, a assessment that was done under duress and a time my mental health was at a all time low. Yet I did it. To what cost? False allegations made towards myself, comments made on my character that covered a short time, yet isn’t me?
This aside, I took it upon myself to restart therapy, to find myself back in a mind I didn’t want nor like, dragging up memories, wondering, questioning if the therapy in the past was wrong, as I was having to do it again, yet surely what was the chances of this one being wrong too? It didn’t make sense, so I stopped.

Instead I picked up books, I took to researching online, watching videos, asking therapists via email, this journey took me down a path I had never known, a path I wanted to explore deeper, as my mind and eyes opened to a world that I realized was where I needed to be to heal
As with anything I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, nor was it going to be pain free, but It felt right.
All it took was two words, Two words that over the course of a few short hours answered more questions then any moment of realization over the last few years have.
Simply :
ROOT CAUSE.
I didn’t know if at the time I could work with it, as I knew it would meaning digging deep, it would mean finding thing’s I maybe didn’t want too. Yet everything I read of this made sense, you can heal the surface and the wounds, but if you don’t deal with the very issue that caused your trauma, and let it go, then there would be a chance it would keep reopening those wounds, you can deal with the triggers, but that very basis, needed to be found

I started digging deeper, I picked up more books, I found more websites, I found more people, and then slowly I started finding my root cause.
Frustratingly, my root cause is not something that can not just be dealt with and let go of. I wish not to speak openly of my root cause just yet, but I will when the time is right, though it is one I have covered prior, yet not.
I do believe that my root cause is more then one, but there is one that stands out more then anything, one thing that could have been changed many years ago, saving me, saving my children, saving my family, from this trauma today.

Instead I pick up more books, each one, chosen carefully, researched before hand, to ensure each connects to the other, a consistent path to healing. Ensuring I am safe, and making progress.
Not the progress that would be recognized by the system, I am sure they will find fault, but that is not my issue at this current time

For this moment, I find myself at peace with where I am, which Ill go onto another post for,
For this moment I find myself in a place where I am safe, I am OK, I understand so much more now, I get where I have gone wrong, I understand why thing’s are the way they are, I get where I need to go.
I know my path now, and I know I am OK, I am safe

I will not sit in the past any more I will not live with regret, because to regret means to never have learnt.
I will no longer sit in the past, nor will I live for tomorrow, as how can I live with both when I haven’t lived for this moment?

This book, my current can’t put down, every page resonates me with, but it’s true, I am not broken.

#imnotafraid