I have always been angry at myself, as one trauma has dictated to my life, one of which I am told to get over, apparently I don’t try hard enough. I have blogged about this incident prior, but it’s of recent, on learning the body remembers trauma our mind often blanks out, I have learnt that I may have memories, but the body remembers more, and will shut down to protect itself, even though it is safe.
I wonder if trauma reactions can be unlearned?
The following situation, could cover many, but for some reason, as I have recently been downing dissoluble pills, I find this relevant, almost frustrating, but relevant I guess.
As a young child, forced to the floor, knees pinning my arms to my side, fingers too large for a women, but my mothers hard rough hands, one holding my nose shut, the other forcing a pill down my throat, choking me, the fear, as she forced my mouth shut,
Looking back, think of how, some people put a pill down a cats throat, but harsher rougher, fingers far down, before clamping the jaws shut to ensure the pet swallows, that is how she treated me in that moment,
I have never been able to swallow a pill again, I have tried, I have told my mind that it’s OK, its not her fingers, but my own, Its not frightening, despite what my body tells me, I have listened as others have shouted at me that I am stupid its just a pill, open and swallow,
I have watched as medication has been thrown violently at me, and told I can bloody well suffer then if I can’t be bothered to try,
Even though they watched me try, watched the tears fall down my face, as over and over my body refused too allow this to happen, as the angry glares burned over my skin, as I felt their hand snatch the box from me, before it hit me with force from their own angry hands.
To this day, my throat will close over, my body will shut down, my hand will shake, yet the memory of the time that caused this to happen isn’t in my mind, yet my body tells me it’s happening again, my body betrays me,
It think’s its a little girl, once again about to be harmed, it want’s to protect itself,
This reaction, doesn’t make me a bad person,
I don’t need to be made to feel ashamed like I have been,
I don’t need to be made to feel stupid, because I can’t just get over it,
It’s OK to be afraid, it’s OK for my body to shut down, as it struggles to understand what is happening
A small thing for so many, for that many, will have never experienced what I had,
It’s OK for me to react like this, its OK,
If I cannot over come this simple task, then it’s OK
If I do, then great, but it’s not the end of the world,
It doesn’t make me a bad person just because someone else has said I should be able too, just because they can,
They have not lived my life, they have not walked my path, they have not had their brain wired to fear a moment, that many walk each day, but it’s OK, I am OK,
peacefullyerratic.com 