I’ve avoided talking about this publicly for a long time, not because I’m ashamed, but because it’s complicated. But so many people keep asking what happened, and I think it’s time to explain what I can.
I won’t deny when our mini humans were placed into care, life felt impossible at times, but we had reached a turning point, or so I thought.
Things happened, things I won’t detail here, but it led to the children ending up in foster care. It wasn’t easy, we had a rough few months, and then a final court hearing.
Normally final hearings state whether reunification should happen in the future or whether it should never happen
Ours had neither, it had just a suggestion, that we as parents, go away and do work on ourselves, Much needed work.
So we (I) did.
He and I went into couples therapy, the first therapist we met, wanted me to take full blame for EVERYTHING, I refused, we found someone else, she was lovely.
I undertook private therapy, I had tried this a few months prior, but I was informed it was the wrong therapy. I am sorry but I have just lost my children to foster care, surely any therapy was better then none? Anyway, I decided to stick with it for a while, until NHS could give me the therapy needed.
I started to read books, a lot of books, I reflected, I did some parenting courses, I read parenting books and more
Most importantly, I started to turn negative behaviors around.
I stopped turning to drink to numb out the pain, I managed to finally put down the blade, self harm no longer an option I wanted in my life.
The idea of my own existence bothered me less, I still didn’t quite know who I was, but I was willing to work on whatever path I was on.
I managed to do three sell out wrestling shows, I found my Church, I found a reason to be.
In this time our daughter was returned home, I made a formal complaint about a social worker, whom was removed from the case and replaced.
The only reason I complained was due to lack of communication, refusal to see us as people, her insistent that I would never do the work required, her horrid messages to my daughter prior to her return home, etc.
NHS finally came up with my therapy, I had an initial assessment, and then started, CAT therapy is done in sessions of 8, so 8, 16, 24 or 32. I was initially offered 24.
Not long after starting CAT therapy, I decided to go back to court to change things up for the mini humans
The therapist knew this was going to be a stressful time for me so offered to extend to 32 sessions IF i wanted them, but if i felt i was coping OK, I could stop sooner. A sensible plan I thought, so I accepted.
We went to court, they wanted an updated parenting assessment, we agreed, we had nothing to hide, and wanted to be transparent.
The assessment was over a few sessions, around this time we were dealing with our daughter and disordered eating, as well as the up coming court case.
This is when things go messy, I don’t wish to go into detail, but through no fault of our own, whilst in court, we were told our daughter was going back into care. I was the one whom had to call her and tell her. 5 mins later we were in court.
Originally our plan was to discharge her, and increase contact with the other two. This was agreed (ish) by most, the parenting assessment so positive.
Confused by why our daughter was going back into care, we looked for answers. They came a week or so later.
Our desperate bid to keep her from starving herself to death was being used against us. An amended updated parenting assessment though, kept the same view, Our plan shouldn’t change, but she used words *no change to the status quo* This becomes relevant later
Court suddenly became a battle harder then expected. We respected our daughters wishes to remain in care, and turned our focus to our son who was wanting to be home, a natural step I assumed?
It was stressful and worrying. But due to how I had become, we got through the next few months and court dates safely.
My therapy had stopped as therapist had gone on long term sick leave
Our final hearing was due to be in July. We truly believed we had a strong case.
To ease the professionals concerns about therapy and my Mental health, I had an assessment from the mental health team, who wished to discharge me, as I had done the work, and it was proven due to the stress we were going through, proof is in the pudding she said, if i was going to slip it would have been in the first few weeks of therapy stopping, right when things were bad.
Our daughter by this time, had voted with her feet and moved herself back home, declaring this is where she wanted to be.
None of this is her fault. She was struggling, she was scared, and she was manipulated by a system that should have protected her better.
We went into court, aware this wasn’t going to be easy. But we felt we had everything on our side, we had done the work, evidenced it, our son wants to be home, we have every bit of evidence to prove it so what will stop this happening
Therapy… Therapy stopped everything, they turned the number 32 and weaponized it against us
Suddenly my entire fitness as a parent was reduced to a single number, not my behavior, not the evidence, not the professional reports, just 32.
They also took the words no change to the status quo and twisted it to fit their narrative.
Yet therapy was the thing that has prevented my child returning home.
I hadn’t done 32 sessions only 14, so I can’t be healthy enough to be discharged from the mental health team
I clearly am still not stable as this magic number wasn’t done. Professional reports? Thrown out, they were me self reporting apparently…. yet isn’t that what therapy is, self reporting for the therapist to then understand and recommend whether I am stable or not?
32 sessions…. its noted 32 sessions so I HAVE to have 32, 32 sessions and a button will be pushed and Ill be better, not before, not after but on that number.
They wanted me to go away and redo therapy, though they never clarified whether I was supposed to start again, or simply continue to 32.
Once this magic number had been got too, they want me to spend three months proving therapy worked…
Erm how does that work? At this point in my life things are calm, normal, surely the proof it worked was the few months of court and the stresses and more we were put through?
Oh well, logic, so yes I then have to go away and prove its worked, then they may look at a parenting course specially made for us, then they may consider moving forward.
Now say I don’t want to redo therapy, psych assessment, OK fair enough.
After court, in the weeks after, they never mentioned anything about that, so I undertook a private one.
This assessment, AND I decided to start CAT therapy again, just incase it was re needed.
I panicked though on speaking to the mental health team, as I know there can be a very long wait for this, but I was blessed, and a therapist got in touch within 2 weeks.
Well, as it turns out therapy wasn’t needed, isn’t needed, I don’t know.
The lady who did the psych assessment signed me off as being OK, safe, I had done the work required and more, I had gone above and beyond what was needed.
So, you would assume that this means social will move things forward…..
Yea I am currently being ignored, fobbed off, told they need legal advice, telling me they are aware of the assessment, then next meeting sounding surprised that I had it done.
Telling me they need to see it, but then giving me no option to send it as apparently its outside their frame work
As for therapy… I am forcing my way through it, even though the therapist is confused why I keep going. I don’t need it, but if I don’t take it, and social decided i have to continue, I am at risk of prolonging things further.
We have been put on a timeline that social can drag out for as long as possible, whilst paperwork reads he needs to stay in care until he’s 18 as they have no evidence of work being done (this was paperwork I have found from a while back)
People say the system is there to protect families, but what about families who are OK…?
We’re not a danger. We’re not in chaos. We’re parents who did the work, and the system still keeps us waiting.
This shouldn’t happen to families who are trying their best.
But it does. Far more often than people realise.
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