From Crisis to Worship: A Journey Held by Grace

Its taken me a long time to get where I am, I work on myself every day, I don’t believe I will ever find myself at a place of full contentment with myself, but I know I can speak in a way that I know I make progress every single day,
Today marks a big milestone for myself, for some people, dates mean nothing, esp as the date they speak of, is one step further away then yesterday
But for some, to hold on to these, and recognize each passing year, is helpful to see how far one has come.

As it stands now, it was one year ago today, (11/05/24) that I finally found myself lifting my hands and arms in worship for the first time, and I have never stopped!
After months of shying away, unsure, uncomfortable, and afraid of being seen, one song at the Bridge Church Women’s Conference broke through the wall I’d been hiding behind
Elevation Worship – The Blessing
This wasn’t the version they played, I don’t recall which, and to be quite honest, I don’t care either, its a song with lyrics that are so powerful:

Now for, Today, Even though this morning, I am simply struggling to motivate myself, let alone leave the house for church, I play this song loud within the four walls of this house, and I raise my arms even higher.

Not because life has been easy—but because even in the hardest moments, God has never left my side.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

— Philippians 4:7

Today is also the last day in a house that was meant to be a fresh start for my family back in 2021. But instead of healing, this home has held pain, heartache, and countless tears, Its torn my family apart, its broken us, no matter how strong we have been, its just filled with pain and hurt.
I don’t walk away bitter though.
I will walk away with worship music echoing through the rooms, because I want the last sound these walls hear from us to be praise.
This home is part of an exchange, another family will move in tomorrow. Their story is different. Their sound will be different. These walls may never hear worship music again.
But today, just for today, they do.

They hear my healing. My gratitude. My surrender.
And I pray that some trace of that lingers, even as we step into something new.

I know now God spoke to me a year ago. He gave me strength to begin walking openly in faith, even when everything around me tried to silence that path. I had tried for so long, but it was that day that did it for me, a day I walked into uncertain of, a conference that I didn’t know what held for me, and it turned out to be a day I walked away from filled with hope, and warmth.

Going back further, it Six years ago, 9/10/11 May 2019, I was in serious crisis, Lost, Broken, Those days were part of the darkest in my life, one of several attempts to end the pain I could no longer hold on too, I was taken to Treliske by the police for my own safety, instead I was abandoned at one am, sent into the night alone I remember walking for over 9 miles, my feet dragging as tiredness over took me, yet I continued,
I was covered in blood from self harm, I
I had not been offered help to clean up, was feeling sick with fear of the unknown before me,
I was mentally shattered,
I walked and walked, avoiding traffic along main roads in the dark and early morning light,
Until a kind stranger pulled over and insisted on helping me get where I needed to go.

I stand here now, still navigating trauma, a constant root cause that won’t let go, like a leech holding on, but I am somehow, able to manage it, own it, and protect myself, this itself, is nothing short of grace.

I thank the Lord for His mercy, For His forgiveness, For a second chance at life.
I thank Him for helping me forgive myself.

Tomorrow is a new beginning. And even with the anxiety I feel, I place it all in His hands—with open arms, and an open heart.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

— Philippians 4:6 (NIV)