It’s OK

I have tried for so long to try and find who I really am, but I realize now, that I will only ever find parts of myself, and I am OK with that
To find out even one part, is a long process, but I am OK with that, to discover anything on this journey is exciting,
Turning negative into positive, turning flashbacks around and resetting that memory, its part of a process and discovering myself, Understanding there is too much behind me, I accept that not all can be controlled or dealt with, yet what I can do is deal with what I can control, deal with what matters and what effects me now.

Recently, as a grown women, I had enough of looking a scruff, but make up, dressing nice, all of it scared me, embarrassed me, I couldn’t understand the stupid mind of mine. I would look at other women, almost in envy at how they kept themselves, how they presented themselves. One day, I decided to take my own words that I have uttered for years, and put them into action,
To get through a fear, you must first step into it.

Taking myself back many many years.
In the days before you tube, tik tok, instagram, back before the internet that we know today, in the early 90’s we either learnt with friends, something I didn’t have, or teenage magazines, something I didn’t have, or we learnt from parents, something I certainly wasn’t having!
I had gone into boots, purchased what I thought I needed with the help from staff, foundation, lipstick, eye shadow and blush and a brush, just the one mind!

I stood in the small downstairs WC, a small carrier bag in front of me, I felt excited, a small thing, but part of my teenage growth, I wanted to try this make up.
No idea which order, I wanted to experiment, putting things on, washing them off until i thought I looked ok,
An hour of happy playing, finally a look that I thought was one that could be classed as natural but acceptable, I pulled my hair back into its standard ponytail, slapped on the lipstick and walk out of the WC,
I went into the kitchen, feeling grown up, proud I managed to do this small thing, I say to my mother, Hi, her friend sat beside her having coffee,
She looks, then she bursts into laughter, informed me I looked like a 50 yr old school teacher, and awful,
Feeling the tears rise, I run back to the WC, scrubbing my face hard, I wanted it gone, I felt angry, I felt upset, at myself,
How could I be so pathetic, I wouldn’t do this again, I was embarrassed. Throwing the bag in the bin, but I kept the lipstick, hid it away , thinking maybe just that on its own would be OK.
Yet my mother continued to mock me, told others how I tried make up, but looked stupid, how I would never learn. She wouldn’t let go.
Could she teach me, she was asked, her response was negative, as it was towards anything girlie, make up ensured she spewed even more hatred.
One day the lipstick vanished, she had binned it, told me not to have such rubbish.
I never touched make up again in that way, I couldn’t, I wanted to, but I was ashamed, embarrassed. My envy of others would continue throughout the years, yet embarrassment and lack of knowledge stood in my way
I tried to see it as she thought I didn’t need it, but no, it was control, it was mocking what I know now, to be something she never had, didn’t understand, so I couldn’t have it either,

Today, I no longer care, in the last year I have taken that embarrassment, and turned it into confidence, I explore, I watch you tube, I have no shame.
I spend time with my daughter, trial and error, laughing as I poke myself in the eye with a mascara wand, as she discovers highlighter and a face full of lipstick….!!
Two days ago, I realized that very lipstick she stole from my room, was back and it was on amazon, a throwback, clicking buy it now, I took a risk.
Yesterday it arrived, today I played, today I am proud to say I over turned a trauma of a small moment in time, one that over took me for years, I owned it, I dealt with it, and I am me, and its OK to be me, and not worry what others thing,
Don’t like my lipstick, cool you aren’t the one wearing it,
Don’t like how I do my make up, cool, I am still learning come back tomorrow and find a different look,
Don’t like me being me? Cool, you aren’t me, I am not you, lets go our own ways.

Small things, small steps every single day, its not too late, its never too late.
I’ve got this and damn I am doing it well and this lipstick stands proud on my dressing table, because I can and I will!