I did a thing

This week has been bittersweet, one of mixed emotions, starting in hell and ending in a better place. I simply cannot afford too allow myself to feel the emotions of Monday, that is something that cannot be allowed at this current time, I cannot and will not risk my Mental Health any further then it already is, as there are other thing’s more important,

So instead I focus on the end of the week. The positive moment.
I say I did a thing, but it’s a massive thing, well for me. For some people there are thing’s in life that are just standard, Nothing to be fazed by, whilst for some others it may be life changing. As stated many time’s, everyone’s experiences are different, This is mine, take it for what you will.

I have grown up, never really praised for anything, homework mocked, learning never encouraged, There was never any drive to push yourself forward to a better you.
As life went on, I found myself falling into self employment, I was proud yet embarrassed, proud I managed to build myself my own little world, but embarrassed, as self employment in the world I was in was never taken seriously (and in some way’s it still isn’t unless you have a physical base or a strong income to fund it in the first instance. Which I never did.
I had in 2008 tried normal employment, but unfortunalty I couldn’t cope and within 2 day’s I walked out and never went back. I shrugged it off, and carried on.
Normal employment has always intrigued me, but never had the confidence nor the drive to go to that point. Also embarrassed for actually wanting something for myself, because that’s a shameful thing

Earlier this year, I approached a company, asked about potential employment, got offered an interview, then my car failed its MOT, I almost breathed a sigh of relief!
Then just a few short weeks ago, I contacted them again, I have no idea what I was thinking, they offered me an interview…. I accepted and went down Mid October. Within 24 hours I was offered a job, BUT first I had to go for a medical, DBS checks, and then some sit down paper tests.

Now bare in mind, also earlier this year, some Dr did a psychological assessment of myself, (yes this is relevant bare with me)
and claimed my memory is shocking, and I cannot be information dumped, also been informed I am social avoidant, and other really negative personality points, that were taken seriously by other professionals. All this was because she saw me in a short time of a week were thing’s were bad for me, they have not and will not recognize the positives and the fact most of their assumptions of me are wrong.

So in the last 2 weeks, on 2 occasions, I have had to sit and answer over 200 questions, which I had 3 or so weeks to learn, but one of the modules cannot be learnt prior, and is taken using the knowledge you have gained from the other module,
I had to travel and interview with strange people, talk to strange people, did I falter? Not once, in fact walking in yesterday, I place my handbag down, make myself comfortable before asking for the cuppa tea I was promised via email!
I then proceeded to take the final module, I was told take my time I had 75 mins to answer 50 questions, I did it in 30 ish and passed!

So I can’t take in information as my memory doesn’t allow it, I avoid social situations, I struggle with people, and so forth…

I ask now….. Why if this is who I am, and you are so certain you are right, because you can never be wrong,
Why I am in Jan off to train for the final part for 3 weeks, poss staying away from home, before walking into a 40 hour a week job working with the public….

I am damned fucking proud of myself for getting this far, If I make it no further for whatever reason, I hold no shame, because to even get to this point is something I never even dreamed I would have the confidence to do.

Many people will feel getting a normal job is just part of normal life, but for someone who has never been allowed a normal life, this for me is a big step,

So yes I did a thing…..

What happens next? Meh, time till tell, and in Jan I shall see how the rest of the training goes, as for what it is, for now, I would rather not say, my confidence hasn’t got that far yet 😉