3 words, just 3 simple words that suddenly hit home when writing a post on a forum,
3 words that flowed from my fingers before I knew what I was writing.
Words that suddenly brought tears, understanding and a feeling of calm for a moment.
I understand now,
I understand
A young toddler, stood watching her brother ripped from his mothers arm,
Placed into a safe haven of boarding school,
A young toddler, stood watching her sister ripper from her mothers arm,
Placed into the safe haven of other people,
Away from the pain, away from the harm, away from the fear,
A young toddler witnessing her siblings taken to safety,
Whilst she was left behind….
Not worth saving….
Not worth the paper work,
Not worth the time.
Childhood continues,
Not knowing where the next scream of abuse would come from,
Not knowing what mistake would cause the next pain,
Not understanding why they could only see the sister supervised,
Not understanding why the brother only came home at set times.
Self loathing set in early, learning fast to keep quiet,
Do as she was told, whatever it was, and life would be slightly easier.
Craving her sibling’s company, seeing pets prioritised over human’s,
Friendships discouraged, people skills never forming,
Confused but muddling through childhood,
Losing herself in books and music, trying to disguise the pain,
Not worth saving, as schools saw a child struggling but ignored and just punished,
Not worth saving, as officials stepped in and out, but believed lies of others,
Not worth saving, as a toddler, turned to child, turned to teenager, turned young adult,
Her path failing at every turn, yet no help came,
Not Worth Saving.
The age of 14yrs, Police and social services turning up late one night,
An option of he goes, or we remove her,
He went, with the lies of I won’t be back, believed,
Because, She wasn’t worth saving…
The lies done, day’s later he was back, never left,
The situation back to normal, No questions, no more visits,
Because she wasn’t worth saving.
The physical and emotional pain continued,
She learned her life was that for others and not her own,
She learned she was to live to please others only,
No matter how, No matter what, it wasn’t her life,
She wasn’t worth saving.
Her life continued, a life of others, their needs, their wants,
Her life not important, keep others happy, that was life,
A mantra set in, her life settled, accepting this was how it needed to be,
How it was, normal, this was normal, this is how life was?
A question, but one she never asked, never assumed was a question,
Just carried on, self harm her friend, drink and sleep her only options,
To blank out the pain, to blank out reality,
Not Worth Saving, Nothing was worth it, Nothing,
Used, abused, over toddler to young adult hood,
Lied too, used, and abandoned from toddler to adult hood,
Not Worth Saving
An adult suddenly thrown into a world alone, confused and lost,
struggling, not knowing where to turn,
Mistakes made, huge risks taken, no care for own self being,
Just lost, until someone turned her path around,
A feeling she had never found before, a comfort, a security, a home,
She finally felt safe, she finally felt wanted, needed, cared for and loved
She soon married. But soon learnt that this wasn’t normal marriage,
She felt loved, yet unwanted, She felt secure, yet loose,
Emails, emails which added to confusion and pain,
She fought her path, but soon resigned to the fact,
She simply wasn’t enough.
Not worth loving, Not worth the breath,
She simply Wasn’t worth saving,
Fast forward to late 2018, a time of pain,
A time of more confusion,
Everything given up to ensure everyone else was OK,
Her needs by then unimportant, her want’s irrelevant,
Focus on others, look forward, it’s them that matter,
Not her, not this women who by now knew her place,
Because She wasn’t worth saving
Time moves forward, Life stumble’s on,
The point of being, learnt now,
To be used and thrown away as required,
Life wasn’t her’s, control gone, but it never matters,
As long as every one else was settled and content,
Because She wasn’t worth saving
Today, 2020, she sit’s scared, confused, unsure,
Told one thing, yet made to feel another,
Her feeling’s no long clear, Confusion set in strong,
The one she thought she could trust,
A hand meeting her skin, the screams in her face,
the reminder yet again, filling her soul,
That she must put other’s needs before her’s
To stop being selfish, to stop being hurtful,
To stop being a burden and letting everyone down.
Day after day, hate, negativity, messing up constantly,
Mistake after mistake, never learning, never will,
Just one thing stand’s strong, One thing stand’s clear.
Nothing else matter’s, all she know is:
She is simply
Not Worth Saving
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