Control Yourself

Emotion I have always struggled with, hugs came with pain, Verbal emotion resulted in a telling off,
I have never fully had the chance to understand or trust emotion, always expecting another motive,
Whilst my moods and tempers as I grew, never allowed to be their own, instead, teased and mocked,
Expression not allowed without a negative reaction.

Sitting watching Animal Hospital, a teenager, growing to learn her body, her mind, her personality,
Seeing a cute fluffy cat about to undergo an operation, instinctively,
The word’s *awwww* slipp from within,
Within second’s, I hear my mother, *awwww* in a mocking tone,
I hear *what is wrong with you* *how pathetic*
I pull back into myself, regretting my action, I feel ashamed.
I should know by now, emotion is a bad thing,
being a unique person is a bad thing,

As a teenager, Hormones play a part, they fill a young body with mixed emotions,
Emotions, that confuse, scare, embrace, as a female teenager, major changes, natural,
Yet every moment became a chance for her to mock.
As with teenage years, there come’s mood swing’s and attitude,
As a teenager I needed boundary’s and guidance,
Instead I was met with a mother who chose to take this as her chance to tease,
Mock, embarrass and state that it was my fault,

Soon my moods became out of control, I didn’t understand how to react,
fear greater then security, self preservation not important,
Instead just a natural instinct to get by no matter what.
I would struggle over the slightest thing, I would snap and lose control so easily,
I didn’t see it at the time, I assumed standing there slamming a door over and over,
Whilst I was screaming at her to leave me alone was normal,
As she stood there screaming at me to leave her alone, as she stood there laughing,
As she would copy my actions, to get more of a rise out of me,
I would hear her after, say to visitors, *Ignore her she can’t take a joke*
As I sat sobbing, shaking a full ball of anger and fury,
unable to understand what was happening.
She would sometimes offer a hug to say sorry, a hug I welcomed despite the pain it brought,
As her nails dug into my rib cage hard, as she laughed as she squeezed till I could barely breathe,
Screaming to her to let go, she would tickle me, it hurt, she laughed,
I would get angry and run off, and the full vicious circle would begin again

As the years went by, I realised I could never understand where I was,
One min fine and happy, the next wanting to punch a wall,
Middle grounds, never did, and still doesn’t, exist.

As I left her home, and moved into the world, I soon realised I had two sides,
Neither ever met, and there was never a happy medium,
I couldn’t control either, still can’t, yet I am told I have to be in control,
How can I be in control when I don’t even realise were I am until its too late,

One moment planning the world, the next wanting to hide from my own being,
The high’s encouraged, landing me, in often dangerous places,
The low’s, mocked and laughed at, told I was stupid, selfish,
Yet my control was lost, I didn’t know, or wish to be like this,
Scared with no security, I took the flow and accepted this was how it was to be,

I grew into a mould that I didn’t understand, volatile, yet calm,
Scared yet cocky, I feared myself, never knowing where I would be next,
but I grew used to understanding not understanding.

I learned to realise that others would never understand,
This battle was mine, and mine alone,
a battle I still fear to this day,
Each day my reaction, my emotion, out of my control,
Yet according to everyone else, I am nothing but in control

I don’t like waking one morning with plans to take on the world,
Yet in the next instant I want to leave that world,
I simply cannot explain how I feel, what I go through,

I have no control and it scares me, yet I am expected to be in control,
If nothing more then simply, to appease others,
It’s this side of me that angers me, I am told I am so nasty,
Told my husband would do better in his working world without me any where near,
I am told I hold others back, don’t understand others needs,
I am told I am heartless and selfish,

I wonder how can they judge me, when I don’t even know myself
Or are they seeing a real me, the one I don’t fully see,
The one I am expected to control, but can’t

I am scared,
but

I’m Not Afraid