Clashing Worlds

2 worlds, my own love, and my husbands, both dream’s, hope’s and passion working along side either other, until the day came one of us had to make a choice.
This path has watched me change and grow over the years, a path that scares me, as I never know were I am one moment to the next.

I grew up around photography and camera’s, it was almost a natural path for me to fall into, I always had a 35mm some were around me. My husband a massive wrestling fan, he never thought there would be work in it for him though.
In 2012, I was able to look into photography as more then just a hobby, around the same time my husband discovered a local wrestling promotion. Long start up story cut down, He ended up working for the promotion, whilst I ended up doing photography and graphic design for them. Rarely if ever paid, but we did it for the pure love of it, his chance to work in a world he had a massive passion for, and I was able to start to look more into my role and what I wanted to do in the photography world.

I was very shy, unsure of myself, didn’t like saying hello to anyone, would prefer to go unnoticed, I would shy away from communication, I would do my job then sit in a corner unless spoken to, but conversation was hard for me.
It was a very male dominated world, but there were a few women dotted around, most I watched in awe, so much respect for, their confidence shining, their attitude towards life, I was amazed and in some way’s jealous.
I never felt like I fitted in, I was just happy to be able to do what I did, whilst watching my husband do MC work.

2014, He started mentioning his own dream of owning a promotion as a reality, I said what ever he chose I would stand along side him. By now I had a fully registered photography business, my own little studio, thing’s were going well for me.
By the end of 2015, his own promotion was out there, Loved, wanted with a fast building fan base. My husband was fantastic at story lines, creating the show, but the paper work, the finances, books? All that went way beyond him. Slowly, as I was doing my own paperwork, I started doing his too, then the books and everything business related, poster designing, graphics, website, social media, it felt endless.
I managed to juggle the two, as well as at shows, looking after fans, doing the door, ensuring everyone was happy, doing the photography and more. I was lucky to be able to rope in some people to help at shows, but my confidence at approaching anyone for anything wasn’t there. One mum of a trainee, eventually picked up on this and, to this day, I will always be grateful for her support and advice, which I still get now. I also brought in a separate photographer, who is amazing, to give one less stress to worry about.
One of my thing’s I stated had to happen, I wanted talent (that’s wrestlers for those not in the know) to be paid before show’s, I wanted it done and sorted, or cash in hand on the night if they preferred.
As show’s were barely breaking even, I used funds from my photography to fund his wrestling, and if any profit came back, that would go into the next show, topped up by my photography.

Over time I started to struggle, I was doing more in the wrestling world then I was photography, I had a car on the road by 2016, so I was able to hunt venues, meet talent and try and build a bigger promotion.

End of 2017, my husband asked if I would get more involved, I wasn’t sure how, I took time to think. Then I said fine,
here’s £1500, book a fantastic wrestler who will draw, Ill use what’s left to get a belt.
To get those funds? I sold my camera, with the intention of getting another, which I managed to do with the profit
Feb 2018, was the night this money, and his creativity for putting a show together, showed the southwest what his promotion could really do, using a venue I had secured via my photography business, we over sold, the room was loud, the crowd were happy, I got in the ring, shaking a frumpy mummy, but I felt happy, I wasn’t confident, I wasn’t secure, but I did what I did, and came away smiling.
We spoke after that night, a week later we hit the gym, better eating, hell if he was making me stand in front of 150+ people, I wanted to fake the confidence but have a decent style with it!
Our next show, we took even greater risks, but we won over again, By now I was playing a heel character.
I wasn’t sure at first, a heel is a bad guy, a face is a good guy. My husband very loved by fans, was a natural face, it made sense I went heel, #teamhim, #teamme.
I asked my husband what was expected of me, as this *character* He informed me be a bitch, have attitude, fake it if you have to.
It didn’t feel right, but with his support, I was able to produce what he wanted, but I never knew when to come out of character, as our persona’s were also online, So, I went with his guidance. Basically have attitude when dealing with wrestling and fans, keep up the kayfabe was his mind. So I did

We were coming up to our 3rd year anniversary show, I noticed his cost’s were spiralling by the day, never was he fully aware of the funds, I don’t know what he thought, but I never could say No, coming up to the show, I realised he was way over budget. I didn’t want to screw the guys around, I knew this show was going to be a loss.
I sold up my photography business, said to him, if we do this, we do this right, I ploughed every penny I had left to make sure this went ahead. He states now, he didn’t want me to do this, so you are telling me a week before show date, he would have left happily, a ton of talent out of a job and a wage, a load staff out of work and a ton of pissed off fans? Sorry I don’t work that way.
The evening went smoothly, only one ref not paid (he still doesn’t answer my emails to this day, so not my fault)
Our next show, I ran myself without him, Oversold the venue, didn’t make a profit, not sure what happened, issues happened, but within 48 hours every debt was cleared. (it was less then £130!)
2 weeks later he had his own show, long story short, I sold my beloved Audi TT to ensure it went ahead.

By now, I was struggling, the issues of the past cropping back up, some personal, some work related. My heel character I was never sure when fans were insulting back whether they were insulting me personally or the persona.
I had given up my dream to be in a world, that whilst I loved it, I was discovering a lot of underhand nastiness, one guy promising us the world, turned out to be using us for example. It was hard, but using the persona to protect my own personal self. I pushed forward.

Risks were made, risks were taken, some good, some bad, but it was a learning curve. I don’t wish to go into the he said, she said’s, I don’t wish to tittle tattle, I speak this for this is my story, my truth as I have experienced it.

December 2018, the night, everything fell apart for me, emotionally, mentally, I felt like I was drowning, In personal/home life my husband up to his old games flirting heavily with women online. Being accused of having a bad attitude to everyone, told I was rude and nasty constantly, I had people having a go at me at every angle, whilst he sat there as the perfect front man.
I was running around like a headless idiot, inside I was screaming,

My fight or flight came in strong, I went full on fight.
Simply put, Wrong Move.

I had no car to sell, No camera gear, I told those I couldn’t pay on the night I would pay within 2 weeks (or whatever it was) I had to scramble to find the funds, I refused to sell my cheap tat of a car, I lost all hope, thing’s went from bad to worse. Within 12 hours I was getting demands for the money, I was getting threatening messages, it was awful, I fought back, was accused of having attitude, if I owed money I should pay it etc. This angered me, I never denied owing money, I just couldn’t pay it instantly, this was my only income. and I was failing.
I started getting hate more and more, I was confused. I played a persona that I was asked to play, no one knew the real me, but apparently this was the real me? I no longer knew.

By Feb, I had enough, I drove, just drove, I ended up standing on a cliff edge, I wanted it done, I couldn’t take more, my husband was accusing me of all sorts, none of which was true. I grabbed my phone, messaged one fan I trusted, a fan I knew, had taken their time to get to know me for me, and see beyond the hate and bullshit. That fan pulled me back from the edge via the messages, and I got back in my car and went home. Ready to fight another day.

I threw myself into another show, re-branded, I lost a shit ton of money, I struggled, I was sinking fast, my mind, by now, was messing with me, it was hell, after that show, the hate went next level, I was even hated for the fans that chose to stand by me, ones who saw beyond the shit, still talk to me today, as a trust has been built, and we are able to speak freely,
that hate, the other hate, so much hate,
This all led to my mental breakdown in the April. https://peacefullyerratic.com/2019/04/02/the-hole/

To bring it to the now.

I lost my way, I didn’t know when to play character and when not, my attitude and confidence spilled over, I was resenting of giving up my photography, I was resenting of giving up my car,
I had spent 2012 – 2018 plowing hundreds of hours of work into photography, graphic designs (for more then one company) doing books, learning spreadsheets, finances, hours of leg work advertising, meetings, Nights of shows on my feet for 9 hours, handed coffee and rum by many. I got very little in return, but I did it, to see my husband shine, to see fans loving a production we could put on, to give talent the chance to show case their amazing skills in the ring.
Yet today, I still get hate and heat in my inbox, a year or so out of that world, and some are still hell bent on causing havoc.
Apologies have been made, most have been accepted, but many have taken it as a chance to mock me further, even those that once came to me for misunderstandings, and said sorry to me, I took their words with open arms, but when I say my sorry to them, they print screen it and chose to use it to mock me on a public forum

I understand mistakes were made, I have no excuse, I do not state here all that caused my downfall, some too personal, some are for another post.
I just want those who sit there and still attack and abuse me, to please think about what you are doing, two wrongs don’t make a right.

#speakingout
I thought this was our chance to speak our stories, but all I see now is a chance to attack and bully those who you deem were once bullies (even though it wasn’t intentional) but surely this makes you a bully too, or am I wrong?
If you state it’s self defence, then why can I not use self defence at times also?
I am seeing this as because I did wrong with my attitude, I am now not allowed to speak out my truth which didn’t help my situation,
Sexual abuse is in your eyes no worse then a few bad attitudes, when in reality they are worlds apart.
yet what does it matter? To you I had a bad attitude, so you can hold a eternal grudge and never hear my sorry, and when I do say it you state it’s demanding, when my apology comes as a true word, but my flight or fight is there strong, and sadly the fight does still kick in, causing people to accuse me of harassment.

Right now I have the chance to go back into both worlds, but some seem hell bent on destroying both, because I have a bad attitude, or claiming I owe hundreds, claiming my mental health is a fabrication to get attention, etc?
Please note, as stated in my blogs, and live feeds, I keep evidence of all paperwork, I don’t speak what I speak to cause trouble, I do it, because this is my way of speaking out, do you wish to see police records, doctors notes on my mental health?

I have no confidence, I don’t even have the strength to fake it any more, often rum filled rants or messages escape me, but even then I sit and second guess myself constantly after, my arms baring my regret, my hate at myself for yet again pissing people off.

What is done is done, I wish to move forward but struggling too, when hate is just part of my world.
For now I have deactivated my social media persona, removed myself as admin from pages, removed pages.
I am trying to protect myself,

For those that truly know the real me, even if recently I told you to fuck off as I was close to running from everything, I am sorry, I know you are there for me, its just hard to believe, even after all this time.
Those people that have come forward and said sorry, or other words, I thank you it means the world.


I could go on but see no point. I understand I stand alone, I respect this, I just ask the hate to stop.