24 hours of time

The past 24 hours has opened a world, I didn’t intend on visiting,
It opened a past I had kept under lock and key, a world I fear.
A memory of a time, I wished to blog about, but didn’t know when.
Every day, became the tomorrow, the tomorrow became another time,
Every excuse was heard in my mind, Until yesterday,
Until this evening, when my voice started speaking,
I still feel fear, I am still confused, I still hate, I still feel self loathing,
But now that door has opened, I see no closing until I reach the other end,
What that end may be I do not know.

I wish to blog and tell all my heart requires,
But I hold back, my style of writing compared to poetry,
but my story is not a poem, it is my path,
I have a writing style that flows with my words,
Often I do not know what will become,
Until my fingers reach each letter of my keyboard,
I wish not to write a autobiography,
If I could write a book to enable people to know my pain,
Then I would, but my life is not that way led,
I wish not to trouble you with long winded paragraphs,
I wish instead to open moments, without letting go full hell.

I look back at my childhood, I look back at my teenage years,
Innocence stolen from me, pulled into a world beyond my time,

I recall words, words now that I reflect, and realise they mean thing’s I didn’t know,
Clarifications of what he was doing,
*It’s our little secret* A common phrase amongst those doing the wrong,
*You know you want it* A clarification to them, they are doing the right thing,
*You want it* A affirmation, that what they were doing was acceptable,
Every sentence to me meant I was a bad person to say no,
Every word meant I feared speaking out for fear of retribution,
I knew nothing, I was a child, they knew everything, they were the adults,

A young child, influenced, believing the words of these adults,
Manipulated into believing this was right, this was my path,
Assured no wrong was done, as long as it was our secret,
To speak of this persons desire of my young body,
Would only result in my world torn to pieces,
Trouble would fall upon me, I would be punished,
So, my mouth became silent, my heart closed,
I accepted this path, Not realising this path was my future,
No end, no escape, Maybe not this man,
Maybe another, either way, I soon learnt to accept this was it,
This was me, A toy to be played with, used and abused at will,

I am not me, I am for them, I am nothing, I am all theirs,

I sit now, I know now, my thoughts were wrong, but too many years,
This mindset refuses to leave my mind,
I know now, it was known by others these were bad people,
Yet it was ignored, it was a situation that didn’t matter,
I didn’t matter, my truth was a lie, my cries hopeless, I was nothing,
I am nothing, my words for help then,
resulted in the words of: *You are lying*
The person I spoke of a an adult, I had no right to speak such hate towards,
I had no right to speak as a young girl of pain inflicted on my body.

My body was not my own,
My Body is not my own,
My mind and feelings did not matter,
My being does not matter

My existence is futile.