When you head to bed, hoping to wake refreshed in the morning, hoping a night of bliss brings you relaxation and a new day, Bur, what if instead, you head to bed, and you find yourself in a world where you question reality, question dreams, fear is strong, nothing makes sense, yet everything is happening in your eyes, in a reality of the moment with no truth, no escape, no dream, just life?
A corridor, a long corridor with doors, just 4 doors, stood before one, a button, a button to press to enter. Having no choice, I pressed the button, a voice fills the corridor, informing those stood before the doors, that turning back was no longer an option, this was the only way to survive. I entered a room, I recall the entry, but I simply cannot describe it, the room though, a playroom, toy’s and book’s, children asking to be read a story. Yet I struggle to reach the bookcase, I try and find a book, nothing suitable. Images flash before me of the other room’s, the people in them, what they are, who they are, what they are going through, I fear nothing, yet everything.
Suddenly everything moves, I am back in the corridor, anticipation kicks in, my heart pounding, the end of the corridor a door appears, a double door, myself and others from different rooms, know we have to get through this door to survive.
The building, the corridors, all appear abandoned, empty, hollow of life, nothing but echoes of a time once gone.
We run, and we find ourselves in another corridor, doors to one side, through the window a court yard on the other side. I want to escape, but the feeling of being trapped is too strong. I walk the corridor, every so often I look back, I see people, I see someone, someone willing to kill for a game, I am that game, I run, I fear, I try to get in a room, finally a room I fall into, a classroom, abandoned, like the rest of the building I am within. Forcing the door closed, I hold it with my body, a heartbeat is loud, sounding through out, repeating the motion of the door banging. then suddenly silence.
I find myself outside of the building, trying to find safety, trying to find people to save me. Crouching being a wall, a lady appears, tells me music will tell me who I am, and what will save me, I peek over the wall, as a old hifi is played, music, the sound of a old piano fills the air, I look around, a small person walking towards me, her face distorted, her mouth wide, a silent noise filling the air.
Panic sets in, she gets closer, I see no escape from this courtyard, this building. People mingling, their own business most important, I feel lost, I am scared.
Praying, my soul ends up back in the building, corridors upon corridors, I run, I scream, I am lost, I am alone. She come’s close, as she is not gone, she follows me, her mouth wide as a empty scream still fills the air.
Finally a square room greets me, a meeting of corridors, she has gone, yet others are there, the one’s from the start. Just one door, one floor length window, I run too the door, Upon which hell leaves that very door, I am able to escape behind him, as he goes for the people I left behind.
I find myself in cream walls, cream floor, a maze, a maze echoing with the sound of pain, I turn back, realising no escape from the hell I am in, the fear is all I can accept. The sound filling my ears un-describable. A sound I hear often, yet is silent.
I run, I run, each corridor repeating the last, unable to find an exit, I stop, I turn, I see suddenly the corridors no longer empty, I see life, I see people, I see movement, these rooms alive with people, in a hospital like environment.
I grab a wheelchair as I look down, see myself in a uniform, finally my escape, finally my chance to pretend all is normal. The wheelchair, a human form fills it, told to take it to a bed, I oblige, into a small room, a empty bed, I pull back the cover, a shadow already is under the covers, I freak out, I find myself pulled into a gown, I find myself in a world that is no longer of my control.
I wish not to speak of the next moments in this dream, I wish to forget, but they are burned in.
Instead I will speak of my fear.
I sat, fear washing through my vein’s, surrounding me where screams of anger, frustration and pain, I desperately sought whether I was in reality or hell, I was lost, I was confused. Witnessing pain of others, wishing I could take from them their suffering, I found myself running, I found myself in the courtyard finally, yet no escape, No way out. I was trapped,
Lost souls, unable to find freedom from pain, as those around us went about their lives, ignoring those within these confines.
I remember finding myself outside a barn, I remember wearing a gown, crying, yelling for help, I remember the sensation of a panic attack kicking in, I remember a hand on my shoulder, I remember a firm hand, words filtering through, words not of that world, I shuddered, as suddenly the hand brought me to realty, the words from a world separate to the one I was in. Words of reassurance, confused upon to which is real and which was a dream, I followed the words, knowing no matter what, nothing could be worse then the fear of the corridors I had been in.
Instead I find myself in my husbands arms, asleep in a world that is just as confusing as that I had just left.
Nightmares, Real life, Dreams, reality, nothing makes sense any more.
I fear sleep as I fear where my mind will take me, Yet I fear staying awake, as sleep deprivation takes me on a path out of my control, no longer tired, mania kicking in, yet mania should not exist in my world, i am not Ill, yet the sensations of mania, irritation high, risks no longer a risk, and so forth hit me hard and so forth, I wish not to explain my feelings, as they are not important,
All I ask, is those that know me, I do not ask to be in this place of confusion, I do not ask for this, please don’t snap at me, I understand you don’t understand, instead of judging, care, ignore, take time, whatever it is, just don’t jump at me for feeling beyond my control as I struggle to understand realty from a nightmare.
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