One week ago I became best friends with my demons,
One week ago today, this time, this moment.,
I took the path of deciding to want to end my life, physically and mentally crossing a barrier,
One week ago I was on the most serious path of self destruction I have ever walked.
I stated on Monday that it was 3rd time lucky
Yet I miss count, third time on the path of wanting to end it all, but only 2nd time of reaching the point of being able to walk that path.
Only the end result has never come,
Both times held back, through no choice of my own
The pain raw. The mind a mess yet so clear.
Today I sit as though nothing happened, expect the risks are higher,
Life is harder then before, hurdles are higher,
My mind one of confusion, hatred, self loathing.
One of determination, one of choices only I can understand.
This last week no chance to sit and think,
No time to process as life goes back to normal
Like nothing ever happened
Like my life hasn’t changed yet my mindset is different
Yet what was my mindset, no one truly no knows,
My demons comfort me in this time of darkness, my demons my only consistency.
I seek solice and solitude, I seek peace and hope for my husband, I seek a result I struggle to get,
My choices, my path, are not my own,
Everything taken from me, leaving me in a hole of endless despair.
When does it end? How does it end?
I struggle to breathe, I want the red rivers to flow, I want to find solid ground.
I am afraid of my past, I am not afraid of the future.
I am so Confused.. And drunk and I hate typing on phones.
peacefullyerratic.com 
When I was actually sentyour first blog on f. B last week by my daughter I can truly say this is the first time I have ever been able to relate to me… I never walked I ran ran as far as I could in any direction and any weather, your writing hit so many nails on the head so for that I thank you, strange thing to be saying… But as a woman who was bought back the first time was my daughter wanting me to wipe her bum laughable now, but that was 32 yrs ago and I have tried 2 other times and here not that it was my choice either. your feelings which you have now are so hard to fight if it means strangers pull you through for the next sec, min, day 2 days week month year… use them, you know the road you have is a long one you know there will be people who will say suicide how selfish,you will have friends and family who won’t want to understand but you know it’s not a thought process its not rational it’s your own black place that takes over so so not easy not selfish, just keep writing everyday just take each little step it might be more backwards than forwards but each step is what you and you only can do sweetheart take care surround your self with healing light xx Jen
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