Becoming friends with my demons.

Monday 14th October, I decided to force myself into going outside my safe zone, dearly wanting to see a friend, who never comes to my home, I decided to push myself too far. Leaving the home, going to town, getting a taxi, anxiety simmering away inside, going to the next town, expecting to see her and her son who I adore but whom hates me, and think’s I am so annoying. Thinking her new partner was at work.
It was then my anxiety went from simmering to bubbling……. I need to know what I am doing where I am going, who’s there, I need plans, plans comfort me, comfort was now gone, I struggle with men regardless who they are, only two I truly trust, my husband and my brother.
No one’s fault but my own, I should have asked, should have thought, but I guess that’s were I am too selfish and expect people to understand or know without having to explain over and over

Knocking her door for a while, when finally a text shifted her to answer, the door opening, her partner afresh from the past, stood before me, unexpected by me, he grabbed me in for a hug, fear crept over me, but I held back, as my body starting shaking, defying me. I force smiles as conversation struggled to flow. Within 10 mins I wanted this over, but then he had to leave, go collect his daughter. He would soon be back, but it gave me an hour to bring myself back down. He returned with his cheeky adorable daughter who decided she would spend the time entertaining me. Grateful I have learnt the art of faking smiles I continued through, but soon I needed to leave, my anxiety playing games, I needed to leave, school runs for my friend the perfect excuse.
Leaving fast, losing my way, having to back track, I needed to walk, clear my head, ipod nano on, just walk, see some shops, distract my mind, as my mind started to overflow with too many thoughts, self loathing and hatred.

I was becoming friends with my demons, yet I wasn’t afraid

I decided to walk to b&m and tescos, get a cab home from there, the walk, 45 mins, my mind throwing everything it could at me, convincing me the worst case scenarios, telling me life would be easier without my existence.

Walking into Tesco’s, grabbing a bottle of cola, going through the self service, my mind suddenly stopped, everything blanked out, walking away leaving the change, leaving the store, auto pilot kicked in, I had one focus,

In those few moments, suddenly my demons were my best friends.

One focus, one path, no distraction, walking the main road,
Everything else a blur, nothing real, nothing right, just numb, so numb,
Walking to the bridge, looking over wondering where the water was,
Far enough down, dropping my bag on the floor, I climb the barrier,
I needed to finish an email, Ill stand and finish my email,
Then I will go, it can be over, the pain can stop.
People, people surrounded me, talking to me, asking me to come back over,
So many people, I don’t like people, I can’t deal with people,
Please just leave me be, I want to be left,
shaking, self loathing, over coming me,
I drop my phone into the water far below,
Cussing, Finding glass, I ripped into my arms,
blood flowing, no care, wanting to ground, wanting to feel physical pain,
I am confused, why can I never do what I want, why can’t they leave me alone?
I lose my shoe’s, taking off my coat, my mind goes blank,
Time becomes irrelevant, my mantra kicks in as a panic attack say’s hello,
I wanted to go, but I didn’t want people to witness this, I wanted to be alone,
Looking around, no idea how long I had been sat,
Just two police car’s, two police officers and 2 annoying women,
OK alone, no one else around, if I could shake these off, then I’ll be alone,
I would be OK, yet they wouldn’t leave.
As darkness fell, time meaning nothing, I stand to go, I wanted to go,
Cold, shivering, confused, not knowing which way was up or down,
I hear a women’s voice yelling at me, panic in her voice,
“what are you doing, please think about what are you doing”
Shaken, I turn slightly, shocked by the fear in her voice,
I decided to sit back down, not knowing what was where,
If I sat on the floor or missed and went over, I didn’t care,
I didn’t know where anything was, I didn’t care,
Why did she sound so fearful, this was my life, the one I chose not to want,
Just leave me be, I pray leave me be,
My mantra running through my mind, alongside self loathing, and pure hatred,
Voices talking to me, sometimes I replied, other times I requested to be left,
Trying again, I stand to go over, I take off my coat, throw it down,
The women’s voice cut through the air yet again,
I lose my temper, throw abuse her way, not caring, not wanting.

Looking up, I see a full moon, everything surrounding me,
Glowing in the moon light, so serene, so beautiful, yet so haunting,
Shivering, I turn once more ready to walk, when four words stop me,
“Your brother is here”

One foot off the bridge, my body ready to just fall, my mind empty,
The tears suddenly started to fall, I couldn’t allow him to see this,
I wanted him near, I needed to hear his voice, yet nothing came,
as another panic attack over whelmed me, my mantra not helping,
I just wanted the pain to stop, I wanted everything to stop,

Time flowed, nothing real, I wanted this over,
yet the knowledge my brother was close yet so far stopped me in everything,
Until finally his voice came through the night,so reassuring,

Moments passed, until I felt his arms and that of a stranger,
Pulling me over the barrier, dragging me away from the edge so fast,
Holding me tight, his reassurance calming me,

8 hours had passed, I was told, 8 long hours,
8 hours that felt like moments,
8 Hours where the result I wanted was unable to come,
As I was made to think of others and other’s only
When will I fully learn my needs don’t matter,
Those of others do, that’s what’s important,
Nothing else

Today I sit, Numb, life back to normal, Like nothing happened,
I regret putting people through what I did, I regret allowing people to witness someone in the lowest place, I am sorry for wasting time and resources, as I have clearly been told by an anon message, I hate putting my family through the hell, I am lost, I am confused,
I need help, help that doesn’t exist. I regret nothing but what I put people through, and I regret not taking the final step, but life is what it is, I need to look forward, I need to take this as a new path, try and find help rather then wait for it to knock at my door.
But I thank those that stood there, those people, those strangers, who took their time and spent it trying to help someone in crisis, you people are so strong and amazing, thank you.

One question I have been asked over and over, I cannot answer,
All I can say is:

Becoming best friends with my demons is the worst yet best thing I have ever done,
Walking beside them or fighting them is my only options right now,
I know my choice, I know my desires, yet only time can tell were my path leads me next, a path I have walked many a time, whilst this is the furthest I have ever come, there must be an end?

Until then

I am not afraid

My view when I was on the bridge, before my phone went, the most beautiful view

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