When your small, time is long, the future ahead seems so far ahead, everything seems like its lasting forever, yet coming out the other side and into adult hood, time becomes something that just seems to be over in the blink of an eye.
Standing as a small child, light blonde hair scrapped back into a french braid that reached to the waist, a dark blue hair band holding down the escaping strands of hair, the little blue and white dress perfectly fitting, cleaned and smoothed down, white ankle socks with little lace edging, Little red patent shoes, T-Bar with a buckle, so proud of those shoes, the light shining off them,
A school bag sat on the floor, a smile of excitement as the first day of school waited.
Walking through those school doors, a blank canvas ready to learn, play and become someone, Each day a new learning, a new goal, smiles and laughter, a childhood of innocence.
Fast forward 11 yrs, a bedraggled mess walking out of those school doors, mid way through a lesson, shoulders fallen, head down, the feeling of despair set in strong,
Never to go back except to sit exams. Weighed down with fear, years of bullying behind, the love of learning lost in a world of mental and physical pain, the attempt of a uniform, too big, scruffy, hair shaved on one side, the rest coloured in rainbow streaks no school bag, too small floral Dr Marten’s worn on the feet, no care for rules, no care for people, walking from hell to hell, not fitting in any were. Not a word said as home and the beach became life whilst others continued their life as normal.
The innocence ripped away years ago.
Going back for the GCSE’s, sitting 3 exams before deciding their was no point, history turned into a art piece, focusing only on English Language and English Literature, but failing at those, What was the point?
No motivation, No help, No encouragement.
When so small, the next 11 years of compulsory school seem so long, so many years of learning. Yet in reality its such a short space of time in the rest of your life. 11 yrs of learning, (more if you continue) yet a potential of 65+ of living your life.
11 yrs I threw away, spending just short of 10, as I was constantly told outside of school, Stupid, pointless, what are you doing that, distractions, no peace to learn, what was the point.
No expectations of ones self, no hope of a future, any plans ground away until it was learnt that tomorrow was about what others needed and wanted, everything and anything else came third.
I threw away every chance, I turned my back on society and conforming, I rebelled, I hated, I fought, No boundaries set, no rules, never held back, I let loose.
Tempers flaring, clashing, never feeling secure, never feeling like I belonged, lost in a world between childhood and adulthood.
7 yrs ago I enforced a change, I realised my life was being wasted, groundhog day was destroying me, So I tried to make myself something, I gave myself motivation, and pushed myself like never before.
Today I hold 7 yrs of strong learning, 7 yrs of motivation, 7 yrs of achievement, more then I ever got in school
Today I sit with nothing, no future, time futile, but those 7 yrs I will always hold dear, knowing that despite everything and what my childhood threw and me and what she said to me, I did it, I bloody well did it, I nailed it, I made something of myself, even though the time was short in the long existence of life.
Yet I don’t regret this, I begrudge the years that were not appreciated, I look at those starting on the path, and wish they could see from the other side, how this is such a short space of time in the rest of their lives.
I wish for them to take this time, embrace it, use it to their advantage, and soar through life, never fearing the tomorrow, this I will teach my children for as long as I am here.
School years are so short in the rest of their live’s, don’t worry about the tomorrow until you get there, take today, use it, love it and live it.
peacefullyerratic.com 