A New Path 2/4/19

Tues 2nd April 2019, After months of me being in a strange place, everything took a downhill spiral to the point of no return, I don’t know what caused it. I just know what happened on that day to a point. I did wonder if any point to writing this, then I realize it’s all part of my path and who I am, and its something to try and help me make sense of everything, even though I know deep down it will never make sense, but here goes anyway.

I woke in the morning as normal, Now when I say the morning started normal, it was normal for me, but my normal normal, has been no longer for a while, I have just never seen it, even now I am so used to this, that I see no wrong or different to any one else’s normal. Confused, I know I am…!!

Moving swiftly on!
The children were sorted and heading off to school, My husband had a morning (9-1) at work, and I was planning a morning of pottering round the house.
From waking I had felt odd, I couldn’t put my finger on it, it wasn’t enough to effect me, but I knew I didn’t want whatever this was. I dropped the two youngest too school, I gave my youngest the biggest cuddle, told her I loved her to the ends.
Then I found myself running home, getting a coffee and browsing the internet, I was getting agitated, notifications kept popping up, nasty comments, constant digs. I could feel something rising but I couldn’t put exactly into words what it was I was feeling.

Auto pilot let kicked in, I left my home and got a taxi to the train station, I found myself heading to Plymouth, No aim or reason, I just needed away from here. I walked to a coffee shop and sat with a coffee for an hour. What was surreal was listening to two women talking about their life’s, one talking about how her husband had committed suicide a while previously explaining how her young daughter was dealing with it, the other women talking about how she had dealt with mental health issues and suicide in her work. I felt I needed to pry into this conversation even if I shouldn’t. It made me sit and think, I won’t go into what was said between the two ladies, as that is personal to them, and will remain confidential to them and erm… me?!

I finally finished the coffee and went for a long walk, I headed to the hoe, found a quiet corner, and my thoughts went into over drive, this was when the carousal started, this was when everything went into the hole that never ends. My mind was in a replay of my life, everything in order running through my mind, good bad and indifferent. Every so often I would run to the bathroom just a few meters away. I remember one point standing there just looking at my reflection, thinking what a fucking sad ugly bitch, how did you get this far in life? I felt angry, annoyed and frustrated. But I went back to the corner I found and let the carousal reply over and over.
After a while I stood and walked, and kept walking until it started raining and I sought shelter under the smallest area I could find, right by a boat yard, strangely a beautiful location, (I love anything nautical) Around me showed signs of drug addicts, people who were on a very low area of life. I thought wow, I’m good, my life isn’t too bad, I need to fucking grow up and get over shit.
2 hours later, after restarting my walk, I find myself under the Tamar Bridge, unsure of my plans, but knowing I had rum, I didn’t really care. Cracking open the bottle and grabbing the coke, mixing it with rum, then downing mouthful after mouthful, I felt no effect, felt no different from the walk I had just done. I wanted to feel something, either numb or drunk, I wanted away from the pain, I wanted away from the memories, I wanted nothingness.
The only way to get this in my mind, was going to the nearest supermarket and buying more drink. It wasn’t an easy walk but one I did.
I remember asking the guy working there if they had tissues as my nose was running,
I remember buying more drink and rum, but no tissues as they had none.
I remember going over the road and finding a corner shop,
I remember struggling to find the 49p change in my empty for a women handbag,
I remember him saying *Have a good day* as I left
I remember laughing and saying I wish,
I remember leaving the shop and walking the direction of the bridge,
I remember breaking down in tears, realizing I wasn’t wanted or needed,
I remember feeling pain as I watched a child toddle from a car to a house, the mum so proud and encouraging,
I remember being top of a hill and someone asking if I was OK,
I remember turning slightly and saying *I’m fine, I’m just going to the bridge*

I remember white, So much white, when I think back I remember standing and turning, then everything slowly fading into white, nothing but white, just a blur of white,

I remember waking up in a weird place, confused and disorientated,
I remember a police man saying I was being held under Section 136,
I remember calling him a c**t,
I remember I noticed I was in a hospital under control,
I remember being told I was found threatening to throw myself off the bridge,
I remember being dragged to the toilet after refusing a commode,
I remember being being dragged from a van down a path to a building,
I remember screaming for help, tears flowing, demanding to understand,
I remember being ignored, before falling asleep on a hard bench, cold, but in a secure room.

I won’t go into more. No need.

I wanted life to end and someone had put a stop to that, I wanted the pain and memories to stop. Instead I had ended up full circle, leaving home at 1016am and ending back at home 12 noon the next day. This wasn’t my plan. But I soon realized my needs and want’s were not important, those of others where.

Life was about to change, Life was about to suddenly hit a hole that wasn’t going to stop, hasn’t stopped, no matter how much I play the I am fine card. I can wing it but for how much longer?
Life has had 2 more happenings since, of which will be explained in other journals, for Now 2/4/19 was a turning point, a turning point I don’t know If I will ever will return, that feeling of a knot never quite leaving me, I am able to bury it down, but it has moments, I worry it will hit hard again soon despite playing the game.