Our youngest, our baby girl, shes 11 now, We feel we are starting to loose her and it hurts more then words can say. When she want into care she was a carefree happy child, relaxed, a pleasure to be around, loved to read, loved to sit and curl up under a blanket for cuddles,… Continue reading The Distance That Grew Without Warning
Tag: family
It’s OK
I have tried for so long to try and find who I really am, but I realize now, that I will only ever find parts of myself, and I am OK with that To find out even one part, is a long process, but I am OK with that, to discover anything on this journey… Continue reading It’s OK
I did a thing
This week has been bittersweet, one of mixed emotions, starting in hell and ending in a better place. I simply cannot afford too allow myself to feel the emotions of Monday, that is something that cannot be allowed at this current time, I cannot and will not risk my Mental Health any further then it… Continue reading I did a thing
Not Worth Saving
3 words, just 3 simple words that suddenly hit home when writing a post on a forum, 3 words that flowed from my fingers before I knew what I was writing. Words that suddenly brought tears, understanding and a feeling of calm for a moment. I understand now, I understand A young toddler, stood watching… Continue reading Not Worth Saving
Fuck Flashbacks
90% of flash backs so far have been in home, or in privacy, a place where I can hide, A place of safety, whether in my home or in my car, or in a place were no one sees meTonight my mind played games, tonight, in front of others, I broke,I write this embarrassed and… Continue reading Fuck Flashbacks
Miss you
A while back I started to blog my childhood, I touch now on a path that causes me tears, I have others but this is the strongest in emotions Saturday August 18th 2001 My father left this world, a day I will never forget, Tuesday August 18th 2020, I finally was able to say *hello*… Continue reading Miss you
A Mask
A hand over my mouth and nose, Forcing my mouth shut, forcing me to swallow,A hand over my mouth and nose, My breath laboured, I couldn't swallow, the tears fell, I tried to kick out, but a small child against an adult I had no choice, Swallow or lose the chance to breathe once again,… Continue reading A Mask
What is Life?
I was once asked a question, of would I turn back time, they never said how far, they never gave a time point. It was a question that I feel is open ended with infinite possibilities.Turning back time, turning it back to my birth, turning the clock to off, Remove all chances of the life… Continue reading What is Life?
Self Care
I have a lot tell me that I am doing well, I have many tell me that clearly medication and therapy etc is working. I have learnt to smile sweetly, and reply sure thing dude. When in reality I want to scream that it doesn't work that way. If only it was that simple, yet… Continue reading Self Care
Lies Vs Truth
I have no set timeline, I wish I did, but my mind doesn't work that way, it flows as it pleases, I have too document as I can, I am sorry there is no true flow, Moving onI have always been taught to tell the truth, a beating would follow what she believed to be… Continue reading Lies Vs Truth
The first time
As a child, I loved stories being read to me, Enid Blyton, the secret Severn or, the famous five, These stories, I read as a child, from the age of 5, forward, The magic tree, I adored, a fairy tale, I could escape in, A world I loved. I recall my bedroom as a 6… Continue reading The first time
Mind Games
Why do our minds play games on us, What point are our minds no longer a part of us, instead,They become something working against us, Causing us more then what we set out for. Whether that is pain, happiness, or other, it's all simply out of our control. Recently, moments of memories come into my… Continue reading Mind Games
London
A memory that sits strong in my mind, a flash back that has happened more then one time, a moment that lives blurred but strong in a time of confusion. A moment with no strong timeline, I ask bare with me as I blog this memory, my first of this style, this is so hard,… Continue reading London
Laying in bed, late last night, My eyes slowly closing, I wait for peace, I wait for sleep, I wait for quiet, Moment's later, my eye's open, Hoping hours had passed, Yet nothing but a few had,I find myself in solitude, I see a wall, yet beyond nothing makes sense, I see before me a… Continue reading
Dreams
Dream's, the one thing that visits me without fail, lock down or no lock down, just another part of my life I cannot control. Dream's that come when I sleep, dream's that fill me with apprehension before my body even lays down. Fear of the unknown filling my mind. Dreams where I struggle to know… Continue reading Dreams
Sunday’s
I know for many Sunday is a day of relaxation, a day of family time, for some reason for me, Sunday's drag. I just want them to end. I don't like Sunday's! I often wondered if I had a reason unknown to me as to why, all I get though are happy memory's, Memories that… Continue reading Sunday’s
Protected: A link that cannot be broken
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Christmas
Christmas, one time I managed to turn a negative into a positive, One time I was able to make a change with now happy memories attached. Let me start from the beginning. Growing up, as soon as the Christmas music started playing in the shops, as soon as the lights lit up the town, a… Continue reading Christmas
Pain, Fear, Anger
Sitting in silence, Solitude at home, Only the sound of the wind on the window, Music playing softly in the background,Fighting the knot inside, arguing with the demons who sit aside, I close my eyes for a moment, breathing, I try to hold back, Feeling emotion running through my body, as my mind revisits a… Continue reading Pain, Fear, Anger
Positive
A lot of how I post now can be influenced by others, how they see me, what they believe I should be posting about, which is cool. I have been told of recent, my posts are too negative, why don't I post positive. I had to think for a while, then I thought of the… Continue reading Positive
Self Harm.
Self Harm, a subject that is taboo to many, but one that ripples in the world, many associate it with just teenagers, the old stigma of emos and cries for help. This is not always the case, self harm can effect any one of any age. My scar's are not all new. Many faded are… Continue reading Self Harm.
I am not afraid to say I am afraid
Further more to the post I attempted a few days ago!! I used to be able to let words flow, Sit and let my fingers let go, releasing pain, releasing emotion, Tears would fall, blurred visions, typing not perfect, yet it was my safe space, hidden for so long, I braved my soul and opened… Continue reading I am not afraid to say I am afraid
What is reality
I seek attention, yet I self loathe, I seek to brag, yet I shy away from people in person, I seek to glamouize suicide, yet my story is that of only a fight for survival, I hide my arms, my raw cuts, my scars, pulling my sleeves lower when people's heads turn, Yet I demand… Continue reading What is reality
They say that one thing you can do to help yourself move on, is to avoid triggers. I have two issues with this. How can you avoid something that doesn't exist until it's there, and only when it is there does it exist, by which time it's often to late and emotions, reactions take over.… Continue reading
An Open Letter to All
I write this as yet again I am finding myself anon attack by someone who deems themselves to be helping me, when in fact they are doing nothing but hindering me, and blocking me out of my one support network. I write this from the heart and from the truth as I know it, nothing… Continue reading An Open Letter to All
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