gift receiving

Why is gift receiving such a uncomfortable experience?

As another year has passed, another dot on my existence,
Another reminder that I still sit today in this world.
Another Christmas gone by, I once again question life,
Everything I do, questioned, every moment,
Currently, I only want to create a good memory,

Yet its so hard, blighted by my inability to be anything but selfish.
Christmas day, the mini human’s opening gifts, my heart warms,
I smile, I feel happy, glad to be able to give them something other then fear,

I hear my name mention, a box forced towards me, I want to run,
But yet again, I have to think of others, my needs, my personal feelings pushed away,
As I have to listen to their voices, laughing, to me mocking, to them wanting the joy of giving,
I want to cry, I want to lash out verbally in anger,
They know my discomfort, yet force me through it, just to please them,
I take the box, anger simmering, another reminder my needs mean nothing,

I force a smile, as a beautiful item is held in my hands,
Whilst truly grateful, I hate being forced into this situation,
They say they understand, but do they?
How can they? If they understood why would they put me through it?
If they truly cared, why put me in a place, knowing that in those moments, I struggle,
They say after, wasn’t that bad was it?
But they don’t see the self punishment later, the anger at myself,
The tears, the embarrassment, as I am reminded yet again,

I can do anything I want,
As long as it keeps others happy, even if for a short moment.

I held my temper that day, want the memory for the children,
whilst knowing allowing it to build inside is the worst thing,
Yet its the best for everyone else,

And that’s all that matters.

Allow me my solitude, ~
Allow me my numbness,
Allow me to drink to nothing,
Allow me to hide and scream,

Material item’s for me, are difficult, little meaning,

I know its too much to ask,
And I am sorry I can’t be a better person.

I love the gift, but please, acknowledge,
your 5 mins of pleasure in gift giving,
Is a ever lasting moment of hell for myself.

I am not afraid
I no longer care
I exist

for you, for others,
nothing more
nothing less

Keep your gifts if it mean’s peace for myself,
Force them upon me, if it keeps you happy and content.