A Glimmer of Hope

Last week, step’s were made in the start of getting help, actual support, as I was referred to a service that had never been mentioned to me before, a service I could contact when in times of crisis.
I held this information close, trusting I could use it, would use it, I didn’t know, I just knew and understood it was a glimmer of hope in this time of despair.

Last night, one night, a night, I thought would be the night to call upon a service,
but not right then, I had the police, I had my family here, maybe later?
Threats, fear, I didn’t know what to do,
I ran to my room, my breathing hard and fast, I find my headphones,
I grab my blade, I watch the red run, I didn’t care, I calmed,
A knock on the door, I hide the blade, pull down my sleeve,
I deal with the moment, trying to focus on breathing,

The police seeing a need to send my husband and children to a place of safety,
I chose, to stay home alone, despite their objections,
Taken to a place of safety, to ensure we got through the night with no more pain.
They stayed with me for a short while after, checking, double checking,
I had the numbers for the mental health services, making me promise to call upon them,
My promise of heading to bed, slipped from my lips, yet the feeling instead,
Told me I spoke a lie, exhausted, I waited as they checked the house,
their reassuring calming words, running in my mind, before they finally left,

I breathed deeply, but it was too late, the blade in my hands once again,
No energy to run, I look at the number left on my phone,
Call them in a time of crisis, or in need,
I look at the blade, what is crisis, what is need,
What good can a voice on the phone do?
A strangers voice, when I can’t even trust one’s I know,
The blade digging in, anxiety building, I drop the blade,
I allow the anxiety attack to flow through my being,
I ride the waves of feeling’s, I allow it to take over,
No one to calm me, no one to stop me,
I pick up the blade, but the will had left me, I was confused,
What did I do now? I was struggling, did I take the glimmer of hope,
Did I call someone, but what would I say, what could they do?
Throwing my phone across the bed in frustration,
I let out anger, what do I do?
Exhausted, so cold, I wrap myself up in my duvet,
I wanted sleep, it was 130am, yet sleep didn’t come,
I wanted to run, but I couldn’t, the crisis number running through my mind,
Yet I wasn’t in crisis, I wasn’t in danger,
So what is support, when there is no clear line, of when help can be called upon?

For now though, just to know that help is finally coming though,
even if I don’t use it, to know it’s there, is enough for now