Self Care

I have a lot tell me that I am doing well, I have many tell me that clearly medication and therapy etc is working. I have learnt to smile sweetly, and reply sure thing dude.
When in reality I want to scream that it doesn’t work that way. If only it was that simple, yet reality is a bitch.

I reflect back to a blog post from a while ago: https://peacefullyerratic.com/2019/05/31/1-flashback/

Medication for me is not a realistic path, I was once offered quetiapine,
informed it would be liquid, assured it would help, assured all was safe and support would happen.
I trusted, these were mental health professionals after all.
Taking my prescription, picking it up hours later from Adsa, I find a small box in my hand,
I freak out but assume it’s a small bottle, yet it wasn’t to be,

A few days later crushing the tablets praying for sleep,
I realise, my fear of swallowing tablets wasn’t over,
I realised that medication wasn’t in my path for healing,
I sit now, wishing I could, yet I have been informed there is nothing in liquid form for what I need,
Yet they don’t know what I need as they have never formally diagnosed me with anything bar C-PTSD.
They wanted to, yet instead, in January I found myself signed off from mental health services,
Informed I was coping fine, informed I didn’t need help, I agreed, I saw no point, Said it was fine,
Said I was fine, Despite struggling daily with suicidal ideation,
Signed off, left to fend for myself, Left to deal with my own issues,

I soon accepted this, accepted mental health services are there for those who need it,

I don’t, I am not ill, I don’t have issues, I am fine,
The scars on my arms are nothing,
The pain in my mind is nothing more then a memory replayed,
The tears at midnight nothing but self pity at a path walked, a journey still to walk,

My soul screaming for freedom from this chaos,
Yet they are nothing more then empty echoes,
Echo’s of a time I feel nothing in,
As each day comes, as I cope in my own way,
Self Care not my priority, yet one I put into place,
Whilst ensuring all others are OK over myself

I sometimes getting messages asking how I am,
I ask you please, rephrase this,
Instead, ask after my family, ask after my children,
Ask how is my business,
Myself I am not interested in, I am doing self care,
I am doing what I need to do to ensure all others are OK,~
Please respect this choice, It’s all I ask