Mind Games

Why do our minds play games on us,
What point are our minds no longer a part of us, instead,
They become something working against us,
Causing us more then what we set out for.
Whether that is pain, happiness, or other, it’s all simply out of our control.

Recently, moments of memories come into my mind,
Not full memories, nor flashbacks, just moments,
These moments mean nothing, yet everything,
These moments are not important, yet they impact me,
Remind me of pain, remind me of fear,
Or they bring a moment of realising, thinking,
Thinking about why that moment happened,
Knowing it was for the others gain,
I was used, needed, never wanted, just required for their moment,
Their memory, to speak of a time they did this with this human,

We can never change the past, we can only learn from it,
Yet how can we learn from a pain that was not of our down doing?

Why do these moments hit me over and over again,
Moments that mean nothing, were nothing, yet everything,
Because surely they are everything if my mind chooses to replay them?
One for me, a time of which I cannot recall the year.

A trip to Exeter, no reason other then a day trip,
Excited, I couldn’t wait, a trip that was rare,
No questions asked, I was a teenager, No special occasion,
A day trip with a guy, a guy whom by this time claimed he was my father,
I planned my day, I was told I had £X amount to spend,
What teenager, wouldn’t be excited?
Many shops were explored, but New Look was the main stop,
I fell in love with a dress, but a small halter neck was all I was allowed,
I wanted lunch, he demanded a small Indian restaurant,
To excited to care, I went with the flow,
I remember my meal, I remember the top, as though they are in front of me now,

A black halter neck top, tie around the neck, tie around the back,
The material slightly embossed with a small pattern,
It was too tight, too revealing,
I eventually altered it to be a chain neck, added high waist trousers,
I loved it, but, it never felt like me or mine, yet I loved it,

The meal, a small restaurant, Little booths, dark, Intimate almost,
I didn’t know what to order, the menu confused me,
A plate soon before appeared, one of the best meals I had ever had,
I never questioned a moment. It was at that time, a normal day.
I left the day behind, as any other, thought nothing more of it.

Looking back from this moment, from this time, 20 yrs from then.
I see a manipulated teenager, I see someone who was used,
For what I don’t know and for why, I am confused,
Yet I know this day wasn’t for me, It wasn’t about me,
It was about his gain, his mind, this step in this world,
To show off a young teenager, to brag about being a perfect example,
To be someone who claimed to be there for me when none other could,
All these questions fill my mind,
Yet I believe I know the answer, whether it’s right or wrong,
I don’t know, nor do I care,

The guy, is one for another blog post,
A blog post I fear, a post I do not know if I can do,
But I will try, one day, One day.

All I question now, is why does this small memory effect me,
Why does my mind keep placing me back in this moment
(along with others!)
What is relevant, what is the need,
It brings me nothing but fear, pain and regret,

Is this a game,
is this life,
is this reality or a nightmare I can never escape from?