Dreams

Dream’s, the one thing that visits me without fail, lock down or no lock down, just another part of my life I cannot control. Dream’s that come when I sleep, dream’s that fill me with apprehension before my body even lays down. Fear of the unknown filling my mind. Dreams where I struggle to know reality from fiction, Yet every night, I have no choice but too take that risk, every night, I lay down, I allow the tears to fall, before sleep may over come me, Sometimes its midnight, other times its 5am.
Last night my head laying down, ready for rest, a deep slumber over comes me, I breathe deeply, my mind at that moment, blank, nothingness, for me pure peace, pure nothingness,
Until the dreams kick in, my body in another place, my mind playing out a scenario not of this world, but one that felt so real.

Stood in a street, Looking around me, I needed out, yet the roads led to no where, I didn’t know how to escape, the town similar to the one I had grown up in, I feel lost, yet felt safe. Heading into a shop, I demand medication, pain relief, not knowing why. I get led to the next room, another shop, I get the medication, but it was hard, the rooms made no sense, no direction no exit. I need rum, I head to another store, a store that wasn’t one to sell rum, yet they had what I required, a dark room, a room of nothing yet everything, I want rum, I got rum, Soon, I need more medication, I don’t give anyone the time of day, I focus purely on my own selfish needs. Rum in my bag, I find a store selling more medication, just down the road, entering a large yet small store, I answer her questions of why I needed it, my answers unclear to me, yet enough to get me what I need. I see a newspaper, I was stood in another store, unsure how I got there, I want to take the newspaper, but it’s too big, I pick one up, but I can’t hold it, So I stick with the medication, filling my bag, My mind not satisfied, I want more, I don’t know why.

My mind flicks to a room, a room in a home that is barely full, a room that has been unloved, yet is one of comfort, I see a bath, I see a branch, I see a rope. Smiling, I place the rope around my neck. yet I fail, the rope no longer holding the strength of a person.
Family, well, my husband walks into the room, laughs, I hear words, such as failure, no hope, I fe;t left alone, I felt empty, fear yet comfort. I walk from the house, find myself on a path, nothing but woods around me. I ask for directions, told to follow the path, follow the road before me, I see trees I see a hill, I see a route that was one of uncertainty.
I find myself back in the town, tears flowing, I start to force the pills down my throat followed by rum, I want to scream, yet I want peace.
Swallowing rum, swallowing more pills, more rum, a circle I didn’t want to end.

I wanted peace, Until I find myself walking down a shortcut, so familiar yet unknown, alone, so very alone,
I wanted this to end, where was I going? I do not know, there was no reason, no sense.
I wanted this to stop, I didn’t understand, just forced more pills down my throat, more rum,

I had lost care or reason, No one around me, no one to reach out too,

I found myself back in the bathroom, the rope back as it was, I placed it back around my neck,
Downing more drink, smiling to myself, a feeling inside telling me this would work now,
I sat down the rope tightening…

I feel nothing, I open my eyes, I find myself in my bed, I find myself safe, I find myself frustrated,
It’s time for reality, its time for real life to become me.
What felt like a lifetime, was just a moment in time, it’s time to rest before the next over comes me