Often flashbacks pay me a visit, often without warning, flashbacks remind me of the path I have walked, I feel uncomfortable, I hate the vision, I hate the emotion, I hate the fear, I loathe the control as it takes over me. I have learnt to disguise them from daily life, act as if nothing has happened.
Yet I have one that visit’s with comfort, one that is short, yet no fear, no pain, and I feel so safe.
Standing in the dark, I look around me, I see nothing but darkness,
A cold wind wrapping around my body, the air harsh and determined,
The chill running through me, yet my mind not understanding the cold,
A shiver, but not a shiver from the air,
A shiver running from head to toe,
I look around, Nothing feels real, yet it all feels so right,
I sit down, as my feet no longer feel part of me,
My body feels surreal, yet I had never felt more safe.
A blackness above me, a blackness below, I wait, and I wait.
Suddenly a light above me, my head turning, I look up,
Moonlight fills the darkness, a warmth not of this earth runs over me,
I see the moon, full and bright in the darkness,
I feel comfort, I feel safe, I feel warmth,
I close my eyes, I hold the moment, the moment of solitude,
Finally, Solitude, filling my soul,
I feel comfort, I feel secure, I never want this moment to end,
I want this to be my moment, I want this to be the moment,
A moment of everything, the memories seeping through me,
Suddenly I am pulled back, Pulled back to reality,
Pulled back to be reminded my life is not my choice,
Even in the perfect moment of solitude,
The choice is removed from my hands,
I regret, I loathe, I struggle, I do not understand,
All I want is to be back in that place,
All I want is to feel that emotion and follow my soul,
I wish for the strength to ignore those surrounding me,
I wish for the moonlight to fill my soul once more,
I wish for that comfort to take me to where ever my path may lead,
I will be there again, that flash back, will become a reality I can re-visit,
I just ask for no judgement, I have waited long enough,
Do not force me to wait longer,
I just ask, Please
Do not force my
soul into more pain.
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