They say that one thing you can do to help yourself move on, is to avoid triggers. I have two issues with this. How can you avoid something that doesn’t exist until it’s there, and only when it is there does it exist, by which time it’s often to late and emotions, reactions take over. Avoiding something that cannot be seen or felt until it’s happening becomes almost an impossible mission.
How can you avoid something that you live with constantly, how can you avoid something that never goes away?

Yesterday standing in the bedroom, home alone, nothing but the sound of silence surrounding me, I felt calm, until it hit me, a memory,
A memory of a time that whilst wasn’t serious, it was distressing. Emotions hit me, fear hit me all at once, as my mind replayed this moment. I focused on my breathing, gave myself a mental shake and tried to get it out of mind. Yet it was too late, my emotions were a mess, my anxiety came to say hello with a heavy boot and I struggled to overcome the feeling inside.

I became agitated and angry at myself, for allowing myself to react this way over something so pointless, causing the anxiety to heighten and build over the evening. It was a vicious cycle, angry at myself for reacting this way and causing the anxiety, whilst the anxiety was heightening the self loathing.
Distracting myself as much as I could, acting normal, I put on the smile and pushed myself through.

I couldn’t stop the memory, it came with no warning, I can’t control the self loathing at myself for reacting the way I did, yet it’s those two thing’s that are a small part in triggering emotions and reactions that I simply cannot avoid.

A full blown anxiety attack kicked in late last night, It’s all a blur though, just glimpses of moments, Why does my mind allow me to remember moments from long ago so clear, yet the present time it takes me through a fog.

I lay awake thinking over and over how to deal with this, distractions people say, use distractions, how can you distract from a feeling that sits deep inside, one that sits and lays in wait, waiting for a moment that you don’t know will happen, and when it does, you lose control.
I am able to not allow it too affect others around me, I am able to keep those surrounding me safe, yet myself, where does one even begin with that?

I am so confused, and exhausted, this morning I am so so exhausted.