I write this as yet again I am finding myself anon attack by someone who deems themselves to be helping me, when in fact they are doing nothing but hindering me, and blocking me out of my one support network. I write this from the heart and from the truth as I know it, nothing more, I wish not to be judged for what I write.
To those who have decided they know it better then those in a situation they are not in….!
Since April 2nd I have been on a journey that I hope no one else has to venture, but as is life, people end up in all areas of life, from severe depression, to the highest happiest moments with all the ones in between. No one walks in another’s shoe, but you can end up on the same path, yet experiences will be different. As that is how life rolls and the way the dice gets thrown.
In the past 5 and a half months, I have had a hard lesson on where I am on this path in life, who I can trust, who I can turn too without fear and where I am going. Daily I suffer anxiety, fear, anxiety attacks, memories of paths crossed, and so much more.
I have had hate thrown at me, accusations, very rarely support, just from one or two people. I do think those that don’t show support, are they scared of the unknown, do they believe they truly understand yet are unable to speak words to help, or are they just genuinely wishing to shield themselves from an unknown and wish to stay in their own bubble ignoring the reality that surrounds them.
This post is aimed at those accusing me , hating me, and genuinely being asshats. I write this as yet again I logged into Facebook this morning and found yet another report on my account. Which is what brought me to this post.
These are some of the notifications I have been getting from Facebook, oh and Instagram….
Can I ask to the one who reported me, what do you think reporting my post will do. This morning I nearly was blocked off Facebook full stop UNTIL I accepted the button stating I would seek help from one of the phone lines they recommended. As someone who has been in hell since April 2nd, and sitting here today on August 17th, with NO help from people in real life surrounding me, can I ask you, to tell me, what help is blocking me from a social network that may be able to support me, what help is reporting me to a impersonal social media network, who are just following guidelines with no true reference to a persons situation.
I have spoken with the Samaritans, May 10/11th, Sat in a hospital room, two of these people, one either side of me. Talking to me as a human, yet their undertones patronising and frustrating as they told me to see the light. Feigning interest in me as a human, yet in reality as soon as they were asked to leave by Doc’s, they went without so much as a goodbye. Yet they had asked me what would I do if I was discharged, my reply of *I wish I could find a high bridge, then I would drop off it without question, but sadly I don’t know the area*
Just an hour later I was discharged, my non knowledge of the area the only thing making me start the 30 mile walk home. These Samaritans knowing what I had told them, said nothing, nothing to the Docs, no support to me, just left me sat curled in a ball on the floor shaking, crying, so scared, knowing I wanted to end it, yet choosing to continue their evening as though I was one who had never crossed their path.
So I ask you, what good is calling a *helpline* when in person direct contact is nothing but a cold meaningless meeting?
This brings me to the next part of this, Attention Seeking, Maybe they saw me as that, someone who was all words with no oomph behind their words, someone who in reality was crying out for help. Online on my profile’s I often get accused of attentions seeking, One person actually said to me, if I wanted to die I would have already done it by now…. This brings me to two points.
The first being this image I found on google…
To get to the suicide part, you kind of have to start at the suicidal point, yet the suicidal part is the part people attack others on. just because they don’t succeed on the suicide part, doesn’t mean they are attention seeking, it just means they failed and took the wrong path at that moment, I have been there I know exactly this situation.
Now I am on a lot of groups and forums (outside of social media, because you know there is other places other then Facebook and Instagram!) and there are moments you look at posts, and you can clearly see someone is crying out for help, there are other posts where you can tell someone is at the end and no matter what no one will change their mind, (yes some of the forums I am on are pretty damn heavy and dark, ta to the dark web 😉 ) and there are others who are confused and don’t know their path or what to do.
None of this makes anyone to be attention seeking. What it makes is 3 sets of people who need support, non judgement, non hate, just comfort and reassurance in whichever path they take. They don’t need black and white text from a auto bot threatening deactivation of their account if they don’t call the Samaritans, they don’t need a email having a go stating they are just attention seeking.
Because at the end of the day, even if it is just attention seeking, the fact they are crying out for help is a good thing. Runnig them down with horrid messages just intensifies the stigma of Mental Health, that it’s bad, something to be ashamed of, something to hide.
My path is more complicated, 5 times I have reached a point were I have felt the need to hit the self destruct button. 3 times I have screamed out for help, twice I felt the desire to end everything. 5 times…. damn times, yet I sit here today with no professional support or help, so pray, tell me, how is anon reporting to Facebook going to change the truth of my reality?
I shared a blog post, showcasing a journey I am going through, one of physical and mental pain, instead of reaching out to me offering me a line of a ear, instead of ignoring the post, you chose to report me, potentially locking me out of a social media network that can help me at times I need it. I have groups I turn to when the desire to self harm gets too much, where would I turn if I was blocked off? I have outside places, but I have seperate places for certain things, its hard to explain.
If your the one who reported me, please comment here anon, let me know why you felt the need to hinder my progress of getting better, Please tell me why you felt unable to message me direct offering support. I am not great on messaging, but when I get one it means the world, I can’t always reply instantly, but I try when I feel able. Yet today my inbox has remained empty, those I thought who cared, prove to me no one cares, instead you chose the anon button causing me more fear and worry. Causing me to want to hide away ashamed of my potential mental health issues, Because clearly they are not to be spoken about. Instead hit a button hide from the reality and hope a heartless computor can solve all the problems that a professional cannot fix.
I have more to add, but right now I have tears threatening to fall, for reasons beyond this post, but that’s one for tomorrow, then maybe I shall continue this on Monday.
I have spelling and grammer mistakes, but I don’t care. All I ask is the hate to stop, all I ask is for the people who truely care to show their support, all I ask is to be allowed to breathe and walk the path I chose to walk without fear and judgement.
Thank you
peacefullyerratic.com 