Pain

I guess I should give this post a trigger warning, I have no idea. I am at a loss what is real, what is a concern or what is normal any more.

Friday night, anxiety kicked in hard and fast, reason and logic left my mind,
No control, no emotion just pure self loathing taking over my body,
Wanting the rivers to run red, but unable to allow freedom of my emotions,
My breathing became fast, my body started shaking,
Reality lost, my mind a fog, everything lost in an ocean of chaos,
I needed to run, but instead I managed to convince myself to stay,
I waited, hiding away, asking for space, asking for time,
I locked myself in the bedroom, anger building, tears refusing to fall,
I grabbed the nearest blunt object, I turned to my thigh,
Words were by now pointless, comfort was a world away,
All I wanted was to feel pain, all I needed was to feel real again.
Time, emotions, actions meant nothing, as my thigh became my focus.
My breathing became shallow, I tried to distract myself, I wanted sleep.
Sleep came and went before returning before I knew it the morning was upon me.
A day I was dreading, People, dealing with people, whether online or in person,
Barely able to speak to my husband, barely able to focus,
My anxiety kicked back in, my fear high, I couldn’t do this, how could I do this,

I turned my attention to the mini humans, made them a point of the day,
I could do this, but I needed to ignore anything else, it was hard,
As another panic attack kicked in, I struggled, I wanted to hide,
Yet words still refused to leave my mind let alone my mouth,
I felt trapped, I felt like I was walking through a fog, I was scared.
Finally 15 mins to lock myself away, the children safe with the grandparents,
breathing, focus on breathing, let the tears finally fall, detach myself from reality,
Just a few hours, that is all, just a few hours I repeated, then it will be fine.
I hated feeling this way, in this situation It was new to me, not the feelings,
Just being at home without the husband , but with people who I don’t feel understand,

2 days later I sit with my leg not hurting, but a focus, a new source for my self loathing,
anger and pure numbness.

I hate this,
I hate being like this,
I hate that this happened,
I hate putting my family through this

It hasn’t been this bad for so long, the trigger at the time lost in an ocean of chaos,

I know now though how to avoid it, I know now to warn those around me,
I just hope next time it can be stopped before it becomes beyond my control,
aside from the panic attacks, those buggers creep up without warning!!!

My leg today…. debated showing this, but this is reality, reality hurts, reality is something people want to hide from, but hiding brings with it the stigma, reality brings shame. Yet for me this is nothing to what I feel deep inside.