I no longer know whats real, time escapes me, moments leave me, I write this after a panic attack kicked in hard and fast with the trigger hiding deep in a day of chaos. This is ending up all over the place, but I really don’t care right now….
I may have issues, it doesn’t mean I am an issue, I am still me, though me is something I have lost over the last year. Yet my life, my thoughts and so on in my eyes is normal, and I see nothing wrong, what I think or feel irrelevant as 4 mini humans take priority.
I just wish to write this to those that sit on the outside looking in… I don’t know why I do this, but I do this just because I can.
When my mind decided to be a prick and let loose that carousal on April 2nd, I had no control, I didn’t choose the road I ended up on, when it did, so much more happened. I am talking outside influences not just what I was physically going through at the time.
Within days of it becoming known I may have had a mental breakdown, 85% of my inbox was accusations of attention seeking, using it as a get out of jail free card, accused of faking it and so much more, my friends list dropped fast, (still does to this day) . Social media statuses publicly ripping me, it was never ending. No question or words to question whether this was true, it was instant accusation after accusation , it felt like it was never going to stop. I turned away from social media, I needed to focus. Sadly now life and social media are part of each other, if I wanted support, I needed social media, but social media was not helpful. I was confused.
Sitting here today, I look on social media and constantly see people posting issues, memes, crying out for help, no where did I see judgement or hate, instead support offered, everything I wasn’t. I am not bothered, I had realised pretty fast that my world was one of a very small bubble, I also found a forum of support a forum that didn’t judge as anonymity is priority
Instead I question were I have gone wrong to end up at the end of such hatred, I chose not to post my life publicly online, but recently I have been more open, and still I get hell for it when I do. Yet I see others on a regular basis stating they are *having a bad day* and get so much support,
Why am I so different, am I really such a bad person?
Maybe I am walking this path just for attention, maybe I am just going through Passive Suicidal Ideation, but even if that is the case does that make me any less of a person?
I struggle socially, mailing someone first is near on impossible for me, yet if someone takes the step to message me, it means more then words can say, instead my messages remain empty and I question why, am I really such a shit person?
I read something other day that rang so true in regards to suicidal ideation, :
Suicidal : considered attention seeking – Suicide, considered a tragedy
At what point is the line crossed, simply a general question?
I realise all I ever do is end up treating people like shit, I wonder if its a vicious circle I have ended in, treated so badly as a child, so learnt behaviour means I do it to others without thinking or realising. Treated awful as a child because I was such a nasty little girl, karma is a bitch really when you think about it.
I am confused, I live in a box that gets smaller by the day, my restrictions of life and what I can and cannot do, everything I do I do to appease others only, my choices no longer my own. My existence full circle to that of my childhood, one to ensure everyone else is happy, thoughts and feelings, needs and wants to be locked away within the box.
Told earlier tonight, You seem to be getting better, things are on the up. Well of course they are, I have no choice, I have to force myself to be OK, regardless. I have 4 mini humans to try and keep emotionally stable, yet even then I fail.
I don’t understand any more, I am even more confused then when I started this path, yet I am clear on focusing on others to ensure everything is kept *normal*
I ask this though…. Me aside, if you see someone on facebook that you loathe appearing to cry to help, don’t hate on them, either scroll by, or even better be that bigger person and just say *Are you OK*. 3 simple words that may get ignored, may get you questioned but deep down, can show that people care and can remember your a real person just as much as them.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with me, its just a huge blip on this path of life, Everyone has bad days, mine have just all hit me in a short space of time, I didn’t intend to end up being seen as a attention seeking and I apologise for that, but whats done is done, and it’s time things moved on some how.
I say this because everyone I do speak to, claims they have mental health issues, literally anyone I mail when it comes to buying and selling or other wise. Its always brought up, I chose not to mention mine, but its constantly used in conversation for one reason or another, so its obviously a normal thing right? I have no issues, I am fine, I just hope those that do have issues are able to over come and are able to sort through them and come out the other side stronger.
Time to focus on the mini humans and them only, because they are all that matter
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