*drunken ramblings #2*

Do you ever sit there and wonder about you? Who you are, I mean deep down inside, the workings the making of, the whole, I am me, but who I am kind of stuff?

2017, I was a women getting by in life, someone who was just dealing with daily life, unhappy but happy, happy with life, but unhappy in herself. Happy with her business, but unhappy with how she was as a human.
My temper was out of control, yet my goals in life were amazing and something I looked forward to. Yet people were weird, unable to be sure of saying hi, or whether to hide.
2018, I gained confidence,suddenly I was able to hold my head high and be a person who held no shame, a women who had a voice, a women who felt able to not be embarrassed to have a voice in any situation. Walk up to people, shake their hand and say hello, grab a mic and say *well screwww you people*
Today I hide, today I am ashamed, today I hate, today people scare me. Today my soul tells me I am unworthy, unneeded, and unwanted. Today my mind tells me my voice is irrelevant, What I desire, need and can have is not allowed.
My point is to focus on others, sit back, hold back, don’t speak, live in fear, hide when the door knocks, don’t argue when someone says oi, and if the checkout guy says only cash, then to hide in a corner ashamed that I did wrong by not knowing.

I am me, but I am not me,
I am her, but I am not her,
I am someone but no one,
I hate, I love, I wish to not be,
Yet I wish the future would hold the dreams I once held,
I was born, I lived, I exist,
I regret, I hate, I loathe, I get by,
I have no understanding, no will no want,
I fear, yet I hold hope,
I am confused, I wish for no more,
Yet I wish for something I cannot hold,
Myself as a existence, I don’t know,
Who I once was is no more,
Yet who I was once is someone I loathe,
Who I became I don’t know,
The person I am a empty shell.
Who will I be tomorrow, I fear,
Fear controls me, yet I live by fear
grateful for the hold it has over me.
And they question why I can’t answer questions of why. }
If I don’t understand the being I have become,
How can I explain how I am?
I am nothing, Yet I am me.