I had it all planned out, I knew what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, but my mind did the normal of let’s throw this all out of the window, lets turn you into a blank idiot, were nothing makes sense and what you want no longer matters, Yet all I wanted to do was make it stop, but that wasn’t going to happen.
Feeling out of sorts for day’s, constant feeling of being on edge,
Feeling’s I just wanted to stop,
I just wanted it all to stop, some how any how, I didn’t care.
Getting up in the morning, wanting to put my plan into place, I kept calm, whilst everyone around me went about their routine.
By 845am the house empty asides from me, music on, cracking on with the housework, whilst I thought over and over my plan. Grabbing a rum before my mind started fully going into over drive, I needed to get on top of the housework before starting my plan.
As per normal my mind decided to play games as a panic attack took over me, OK screw this, I can cope with anxiety, but Panic attacks… Nope so much nope, a whole new game I can’t win.
Grabbing more rum, time to put my plan into action, heart pounding, every part of me shaking, disassociation kicked in, I needed to check the bank, my plan couldn’t go ahead without funds.
Shaking constant shaking,
Couldn’t remember pass code,
Knowing if I tried too much I would be blocked,
Thoughts starting on their carousal,
Agitated, angry at myself, I needed to feel pain,
Grabbing a blade digging at my arms,
Yet the grounding just wasn’t coming,
My plan wasn’t going to happen,
This stressed me, angered me, all hope falling apart,
Repeating over and over, I can get through this,
Damn you mind, as it went blank,
All I wanted was this to just stop,
I wanted my plan to work, but it wasn’t going to,
Tears flowing, auto pilot kicked
Refilling the glass as quick as I could drink it,
I just wanted this to stop,
I turned and saw the medication I was prescribed,
I can’t swallow tablets, but these are meant to calm you right?
Tablets to sort out feelings and moods….
I can do this, I can do this, just one, lets do this,
My plan was cancelled, so lets do all I can to make this stop,
Taking the packet,
Lets make this stop,
Popping out one, I tried it but no matter what,
My body wasn’t going to let me swallow it,
Fine, mind and body you want to be a dick, I’ll be a bigger one then!
Popping out all the pills, crushing them one by one,
Swallowing more rum, as I took the crushed pills, swallowing a small amount,
Gagging it straight back up, I had to try again,
Looking out the window, seeing the bin men,
I was almost laughing through the tears,
Seeing the world beyond me carrying on as normal,
And all I wanted was for this to stop,
And my body wasn’t letting me.
Finally downing as much as I could, still ripping into my arms,
I had scrapped my plan and had hit the unplanned back up option,
Now, if anyone is watching over me, please help make this stop,
Let me sleep until its over, you’re not letting my plan happen,
So please at least let me have this.
Throughout I had been mailing my husband, one concerned him enough to make him return home, but by that time I was not home. I had needed to get out of the house, away from these walls, I intended to come home, but not sure when, I was angry, frustrated, shaking, and had had enough.
On returning home, I went to bed to sleep, I was tired so very tired, wanted to sleep.
A ambulance arrived took me to hospital, pointless thing really, they were of no help, just empty promises as they constantly took my blood pressure and bloods, promised me medication as withdrawal symptoms of the drugs kicked in, my muscles going into spasms, feeling sick, it was all one big blur, I don’t remember much, Just wanted to go home to sleep, until I can put my plan into action.
I am scared, scared of myself, scared of others, scared for what may come next. Help, get help they say? Yet what help is there, if professionals in the world of mental health can discharge me as they see me of no danger to myself, (yes this happened last week) then clearly I don’t need help. If I get told I need to self refer then clearly I don’t need help?
I am confused, so very bloody confused.
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