A Precious Life Changing Memory : Chapter 3

This post comes with one beautiful positive and two terrifying negatives, both held strong in my memory.
Ill start with the positive but that’s mainly due to it being the first moment to happen between the two. The latter sadly leads to a even bigger chapter that happened to cause my life to almost shatter beneath my feet.

When H was 6 months old, he was given a naming ceremony by the church. I was so happy they offered this to us. I didn’t know fully what to expect, and to be honest didn’t expect much, was just honored to be able to have H introduced to my world officially.
They asked if it could be an on a normal service evening, allowing more people to be part of it, which I of course allowed. As it was being organised by Mary and the church leader Joan, my mother had pretty much no say which was awesome.
It was a Thursday evening, I dug out my brothers old christening outfit which fitted perfectly, H was in a good mood, (he was a proper little smiler by then), god parents were chosen, all we had to do was turn up.
Upon arrival I noticed a beautiful fruit cake had been made for us, with a stunning cake topper made from a real goose egg (this still sits in my attic), gifts were laid out, thoughtful meaningful gifts, food, tea coffee, decoration. Joan had put so much thought into this I was blown away. The evening went perfectly, not one hiccup not one cry from H. People were respectful even though it was a normal evening, they said it was his night, all they wanted was a cuddle from H. Which of course was fine by me and he was content being passed from person to person.
The service began as normal before he was brought forward and introduced, he was named and he was given a spiritual name, a candle was lit and prayers were said. Readings were given, godparents brought forward.
It was just perfect

It was only 2.5 hours long in total, but it was enough. Times like these can’t be measured in mins, but by quality and the thought behind it. This chapter is short but one that showed me that H was very much loved by many more then I ever have realized.

Moving on from June. September 2000. I took him to the local pharmacy were they did *professional* photos in store. I was clueless back then, and a proud mum wanting gorgeous photos, he had already been at least once, so I knew what to expect. As he was bigger though, the set ups got more amusing. H laughed his way through it as he grabbed the bakers hat and threw it, as he took the props and used them in great delight in anyway he could. I was looking forward to the results.
I knew it would cost me financially, but just 2 weeks later before the results of the photo shoot came back, I learned hard and fast that money means nothing when it comes to a life.

Ill never forget this day more then any other, as I type these words, before I even write the experience, I am seeing it played over and over in my mind on repeat, words in black and white are not there, but the vision is.

I was upstairs in my bedroom, H aged 9.5 months, pottering around on the floor, not walking but crawling gurgling away. Happy, warm, fed, no sign of being ill, not sign of anything wrong, just a normal happy baby. My mother was in the room with us.
H started giving me the sign for wanting a drink, rubbing his head I said *Let me pop downstairs and get your juice cup, Granny can you watch him for a moment* (stupid question were he was she was.. anyway)
Leaving a laughing baby, I head downstairs and potter round the kitchen, fussing a cat or two on the way (we had 6), I found his cup, rinsed it out, refilled it, checked the cupboard for a snack for him, I would say I had been gone 4 or 5 mins, no more when I heard my mother running down the stairs, I heard her shouting somethings wrong.

I run to the hallway were she handed me H, Not breathing, he was blue, she handed me what was at that moment, a dead child. My blood ran cold, I heard screaming before realizing it was my own voice, my mother on the phone to 999. I was in total panic. She grabbed him out of my arms and started doing CPR, as the neighbours rushed in on hearing the commotion as blue lights and sirens pulled up outside. The paramedics were doing all they could, they got him breathing, but he started fitting, was unable to breathe on his own. I couldn’t think, I was in a state of shock, how did my smiling little bundle go from one of happy and content and giggling to *dead* in a matter of moments.
I didn’t have time to think, an air ambulance was called and we were sent off to the nearest large hospital just 11 mins in the air, over 70 mins in a car!
I don’t know what was happening at home I didn’t care, all I needed was H to be OK.
Rushed into A&E I was asked to wait else were whilst they did all they could.

Finally the news came through he was stabilized and breathing alone, but they needed to monitor him for a while. This was fine by me.
We were released a couple days later with lots of advice and support.

I never questioned the episode, didn’t ask why, I didn’t think to question it. Was just glad to have him home safe and alive. Protective mother instinct kicked in and I did try and be a little stronger with him, it was hard. As my mother went around bragging that if it wasn’t for her he would be dead as apparently I was useless and no help.
She gloated on this for weeks, but I never gave it a second thought though.
Looking back hindsight is a wonderful thing. As I continued my life as normal.
,
A few months later, I don’t recall the date, I was in Exeter for the day, when she called me saying H had been rushed to hospital again. Panicking I asked what happened, she said he had trapped his hands in a shop door, I ran to the bus station and got the first bus home, a 2 hour ride. On arriving home, I find one little sobbing boy with his fingers bandaged up. Grabbing him into a hug, I stupidly didn’t think to question her story of ”some stupid fat bloke was forcing the door shut not listening to H’s screams as he held the door frame to exit the shop safely, trapping his fingers at the same time*

I hate myself so much for this. If I had questioned it, if I had been stronger, maybe, just maybe things would have been different, Instead this was the start of the path of my world as I knew it changing in a way I couldn’t have imagined.
Now whilst I have had a lot of those over my life, this was one that would finally break me free from the hell yet it tore the world out from under my feet.

This is a chapter that’s going to be harder to journal and will take longer. Yet it will be done, I need to do this. I just need to be able to do it in my time.

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