Dreams

Some people say dreams have meanings, others say they are just random thoughts, some say they are from another life. Dreams for me, used to be one of escape, one of no fear. Then they grew more recently to nightmares, ones that shake me from a deep sleep in a panic, ones were I find myself breathing heavily not knowing reality from fiction. Last night though, a dream I feel had a deeper meaning, a dream I feel my mind trying to tell me something. What that is, I don’t know.

Standing in a hallway I open a door and find myself back in the home I spent my teenage years in. I looked around and noticed it appeared to be having work done to it, looking outside the front door behind me, next doors wall had been knocked down. People walking around every where, no names, no true faces just people. I pull myself indoors and shut the front door and take a slow walk to my old bedroom. Pushing open the door I find myself surrounded by so much stuff, furniture every were, just wall to wall of stuff. Some I recognised, others a blur of unknown. I see on the wall my brothers artwork from years ago, a piece I had loved, our mother was trying to paint over it, I kept saying no don’t. My brother saying it’s OK, I’ve done better since, time for me to let that one go. Looking round I see my old CD collection, I ask why am I here. A voice tells me to take what I want before the rest gets dumped. Asking someone to book a van, I start choosing what I want.

Every so often, I find myself at the start of a street looking at a clock on the outside of a shop with numbers forever changing, never clear just knowing they were changing.

Everything on top of each other, people coming and go, faces from the past but not the *bad* people, just people I once knew. No one booking the van, my mind worried I was about to lose the things I wanted to keep. A old rocking horse that my late father had brought me, my CDs which my mother kept snatching out of my hand. A cat who passed many many years ago walking along the furniture, grabbed up, snuggling her in tight before passing her over.

A conversation with a lady who’s face changed as she walked in the door, behind me and appearing other side of me in the room, her story being whispered, resonating with me.

I wanted to hold so much dear. People asking why didn’t I stay in the house, it was cold no heating, I couldn’t answer their questions, just wanted my belonging, the number changing on the clock, walls outside falling down, faces coming and going.

I felt despair, I felt hopeless, I felt out of control.

Waking from the dream by the sounds of children calling for morning to be, I noted it down fast. My dreams are normally nightmares with no rhyme or reason. I feel my mind is trying to tell me something, but for now, I don’t know what that is.

I think I prefer nightmares over this confusion.