A saying you hear of often, yet one few understand. I always assumed panic attack and anxiety attacks were the same thing. Unfortunately for me yesterday I found out they are in fact two very different things.
A anxiety attack builds over time, its not as intense, still not nice, but not as heavy and can often be predicted it’s happening, where as a panic attack hits you with no warning, hard and fast. Obviously everyone feels them differently, but symptoms are often the same for either for anyone, either way, this was my experience yesterday.
The start of a new term, the children off to school, the husband off to work, I had 4 hours of peace. A morning of pottering around until the social worker and MH nurse turned up at 1230. Husband was due home at 1215 to be here with me.
I was feeling as OK as I can be, no sense of anything wrong, putting music on, I decided to grab a shower around 11am. Now I am not great with times, but I was in the shower by 1115, being a women I was there a while, so all this happened between then and 1215 when my husband returned home.
Getting in the shower, I felt fine, getting out of the shower was a whole different story. Grabbing the towel and wrapping it around me, I suddenly was hit by a feeling of fear, my body tensed and I just slipped to the floor, desperately trying to understand this feeling, I felt detached from my surroundings, nothing made sense.
Forcing myself to stand and get half dressed, I needed rum, I needed something to block this sensation. I wanted away, away from what I have no idea, but decided once I had a shot then a normal glass or rum and coke to lock myself in the bathroom. I felt safe there as safe as I could, no windows, no big spaces.
My heart pounding, I realize I was shaking, my breath coming hard and fast, I grab my iPad, mail all I could to try and find someone to talk too. No one was replying, I don’t have a phone I couldn’t call anyone. My fear intensified, tears started to flow thick and fast, curling myself up in a ball. I remember my glass. Running to the bedroom, before locking myself back in the bathroom. I did the one thing I knew, the one thing that can ease me. The glass was too blunt, frustrated the tears flowed harder, nothing touching the panic still rising inside me.
My body refusing to stop shaking, Managing after a few attempts to pick up the iPad, still no replies, I gave up trying to get hold of anyone and instead just let the blood trickle down my arm.
This feeling wasn’t me, this wasn’t happening, this didn’t feel real, I wasn’t here surely? What is going on. I wish I could explain what exactly I was feeling, what was going through my mind, but there is nothing I can put into words.
Suddenly I heard a click, my heart pounding, on auto pilot I grab my cardigan threw it on, and run to the bedroom. Hearing my husband coming up stairs, I needed to hide what I was going through. My shaking body gave me away, I tried to act normal, but tears which are rare, gave me away. He talked me through it, cleaned up my arm and calmed me.
It took me a while to calm, but not too long. Around an hour later it was as though nothing had happened. I felt tired and run down, but it was as though it had never happened. It was only a short time, but it was a time of fear. Considering how I have been over the last few weeks, its a feeling I should be used too, but no. That was worse then I had felt before. My body and mind betrayed me yet again. It hit me with no warning and it left me with a trace of nerves settling in.
Nightmares hit me hard last night, I don’t know if that was associated or not, Either way it just reminds me I need to take each day as it comes and expect nothing and just be glad of anything and everything no matter how small.
peacefullyerratic.com 