Further more to the post I attempted a few days ago!! I used to be able to let words flow, Sit and let my fingers let go, releasing pain, releasing emotion, Tears would fall, blurred visions, typing not perfect, yet it was my safe space, hidden for so long, I braved my soul and opened… Continue reading I am not afraid to say I am afraid
Tag: mental health
What is reality
I seek attention, yet I self loathe, I seek to brag, yet I shy away from people in person, I seek to glamouize suicide, yet my story is that of only a fight for survival, I hide my arms, my raw cuts, my scars, pulling my sleeves lower when people's heads turn, Yet I demand… Continue reading What is reality
One week ago I became best friends with my demons, One week ago today, this time, this moment., I took the path of deciding to want to end my life, physically and mentally crossing a barrier, One week ago I was on the most serious path of self destruction I have ever walked. I stated… Continue reading
Becoming friends with my demons.
Monday 14th October, I decided to force myself into going outside my safe zone, dearly wanting to see a friend, who never comes to my home, I decided to push myself too far. Leaving the home, going to town, getting a taxi, anxiety simmering away inside, going to the next town, expecting to see her… Continue reading Becoming friends with my demons.
Material Things Vs Memories
I have always been a believer that material thing's don't mean as much as the memories you hold in your mind. Yet there are point's in life, were a object in your hand can bring emotion, a memory, a time passed brought to the here and now. Those item's hold a story, your story. A… Continue reading Material Things Vs Memories
When you're lost inside, whilst outwardly the smiles are perfected, When you struggle to know which way to turn, When you want to ground, but nothing allows,When the fog thickens, yet your mind is clear, When you just want the rivers to run, When you just want to hide from the world, Distractions, so many… Continue reading
They say that one thing you can do to help yourself move on, is to avoid triggers. I have two issues with this. How can you avoid something that doesn't exist until it's there, and only when it is there does it exist, by which time it's often to late and emotions, reactions take over.… Continue reading
From Dreams to Nightmares
Sleep isn't a friend that visits much, unsettled nights flitting between dreams and nightmares, each as bad as the last, many related to people of past but never re-walking a memory. Yet last night my mind played a new one on me, a nightmare worse then I can recall for many a time, a nightmare… Continue reading From Dreams to Nightmares
An Open Letter to All
I write this as yet again I am finding myself anon attack by someone who deems themselves to be helping me, when in fact they are doing nothing but hindering me, and blocking me out of my one support network. I write this from the heart and from the truth as I know it, nothing… Continue reading An Open Letter to All
Flashback
Flashbacks for me are done in a situation that mean nothing, but my mind playing games with me, today was different, today I ended up feeling physically sick but yet again had to hide my feelings, as the situation was so hard. This morning a planned meeting, one of a serious nature, but one that… Continue reading Flashback
Pain
I guess I should give this post a trigger warning, I have no idea. I am at a loss what is real, what is a concern or what is normal any more. Friday night, anxiety kicked in hard and fast, reason and logic left my mind, No control, no emotion just pure self loathing taking… Continue reading Pain
*drunken ramblings #3*
I no longer know whats real, time escapes me, moments leave me, I write this after a panic attack kicked in hard and fast with the trigger hiding deep in a day of chaos. This is ending up all over the place, but I really don't care right now.... I may have issues, it doesn't… Continue reading *drunken ramblings #3*
Time is Futile
When your small, time is long, the future ahead seems so far ahead, everything seems like its lasting forever, yet coming out the other side and into adult hood, time becomes something that just seems to be over in the blink of an eye. Standing as a small child, light blonde hair scrapped back into… Continue reading Time is Futile
Deja Vu
The letter box rattling today, a highly confidental letter, doubled up to ensure privacy, my heart skipping a beat, pulling the papers towards me, glancing down reading the print before me. My heart now in my mouth as the tears threatened to show, the words floating before me, fear over taking me, a feeling of… Continue reading Deja Vu
*drunken ramblings #2*
Do you ever sit there and wonder about you? Who you are, I mean deep down inside, the workings the making of, the whole, I am me, but who I am kind of stuff? 2017, I was a women getting by in life, someone who was just dealing with daily life, unhappy but happy, happy… Continue reading *drunken ramblings #2*
Nothingness
Stood on the edge, Looking down below her, far below her, nothingness, No longer afraid, Led to this point by despair.Tears falling, her mind clear, Darkness that controls her, waiting, just waiting, Pushing away the light, finding comfort in the darknessHer mind enforcing on her self loathing. Encouraging it, embracing it. Stood on the edge,… Continue reading Nothingness
2 attempts 3 WTF’s….
Maybe not the best title, but on reflection is anything right anymore, is anything the right way to do anything? 2nd April, I hit the point of no return, finding myself on a path, My intention to rid the world of my existence,10th April, I wanted to walk, walk until I was numb, walk until… Continue reading 2 attempts 3 WTF’s….
Protected: An Open Letter
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I just want it to stop.
I had it all planned out, I knew what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, but my mind did the normal of let's throw this all out of the window, lets turn you into a blank idiot, were nothing makes sense and what you want no longer matters, Yet all I wanted… Continue reading I just want it to stop.
Detached reality
ok before I start 1) I'm on the rum and 2) I dont want to turn this into a lifestyle blog or a blog about my life in general. Yet this post sort of covers that. Detached reality , this is what I have become and I struggle to understand this feeling. Standing alone yet… Continue reading Detached reality
I am just me
I don’t share my story to seek assiduity, I don’t show my wounds to seek solace. I seek solitude, I know my path, I am soon to walk that path, I chose to share my journey for nothing more than to remind those who have forgotten, I am a person with a heart, a person… Continue reading I am just me
Dreams
Some people say dreams have meanings, others say they are just random thoughts, some say they are from another life. Dreams for me, used to be one of escape, one of no fear. Then they grew more recently to nightmares, ones that shake me from a deep sleep in a panic, ones were I find… Continue reading Dreams
Panic Attack 3/06/19
A saying you hear of often, yet one few understand. I always assumed panic attack and anxiety attacks were the same thing. Unfortunately for me yesterday I found out they are in fact two very different things.A anxiety attack builds over time, its not as intense, still not nice, but not as heavy and can… Continue reading Panic Attack 3/06/19
*I’m Fine, But I’m not OK* 11/5/19
This was a day of very high emotion, a day where my husband saw me at the lowest, a day that I wish I could change, but I can't do that, so reflecting and moving on, is all I can at least try to do May 10th 2019. That knot hit me hard again. Despite… Continue reading *I’m Fine, But I’m not OK* 11/5/19
A New Path 2/4/19
Tues 2nd April 2019, After months of me being in a strange place, everything took a downhill spiral to the point of no return, I don't know what caused it. I just know what happened on that day to a point. I did wonder if any point to writing this, then I realize it's all… Continue reading A New Path 2/4/19
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