This isn't a post on reflection, I do not see the point of reflection, it changes nothing, but brings forward the failures of the past year, the pain and reminders that I am still here. This isn't a post on my so called mental health, as apparently my mental health can be switched off right… Continue reading Lost and Confused
Tag: anxiety
Yesterday evening, Lightning lit the night skies, with a couple of soft sounds of thunder. When Storm Denis decided it wasn't going to leave without a final strong goodbye, as very loud bangs and rumbles filled the night, it sounded like it was right out side our bedroom window, I will admit I screamed in… Continue reading
One Vision
Often flashbacks pay me a visit, often without warning, flashbacks remind me of the path I have walked, I feel uncomfortable, I hate the vision, I hate the emotion, I hate the fear, I loathe the control as it takes over me. I have learnt to disguise them from daily life, act as if nothing… Continue reading One Vision
Nightmares,
I have blogged before about nightmare's, Nightmares that visit me often, nightmares that I no longer know reality from dream's. Not a negative post that I promised to stay away from, just a post reflecting on in a time of which I am confused. When I lay down in bed, when I pull the duvet… Continue reading Nightmares,
Protected: A link that cannot be broken
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Nightmares or reality?
When you head to bed, hoping to wake refreshed in the morning, hoping a night of bliss brings you relaxation and a new day, Bur, what if instead, you head to bed, and you find yourself in a world where you question reality, question dreams, fear is strong, nothing makes sense, yet everything is happening… Continue reading Nightmares or reality?
Pain, Fear, Anger
Sitting in silence, Solitude at home, Only the sound of the wind on the window, Music playing softly in the background,Fighting the knot inside, arguing with the demons who sit aside, I close my eyes for a moment, breathing, I try to hold back, Feeling emotion running through my body, as my mind revisits a… Continue reading Pain, Fear, Anger
Reading, Writing & Music
A simple title, for something that has run throughout my life, yet a title I cannot think of anything else. Maybe this will change who knows. Just recently I have had many a compliment on my writing style, a style that come's so naturally to me, that I cannot see why people mention it, A… Continue reading Reading, Writing & Music
Self Harm.
Self Harm, a subject that is taboo to many, but one that ripples in the world, many associate it with just teenagers, the old stigma of emos and cries for help. This is not always the case, self harm can effect any one of any age. My scar's are not all new. Many faded are… Continue reading Self Harm.
I am not afraid to say I am afraid
Further more to the post I attempted a few days ago!! I used to be able to let words flow, Sit and let my fingers let go, releasing pain, releasing emotion, Tears would fall, blurred visions, typing not perfect, yet it was my safe space, hidden for so long, I braved my soul and opened… Continue reading I am not afraid to say I am afraid
One week ago I became best friends with my demons, One week ago today, this time, this moment., I took the path of deciding to want to end my life, physically and mentally crossing a barrier, One week ago I was on the most serious path of self destruction I have ever walked. I stated… Continue reading
Becoming friends with my demons.
Monday 14th October, I decided to force myself into going outside my safe zone, dearly wanting to see a friend, who never comes to my home, I decided to push myself too far. Leaving the home, going to town, getting a taxi, anxiety simmering away inside, going to the next town, expecting to see her… Continue reading Becoming friends with my demons.
They say that one thing you can do to help yourself move on, is to avoid triggers. I have two issues with this. How can you avoid something that doesn't exist until it's there, and only when it is there does it exist, by which time it's often to late and emotions, reactions take over.… Continue reading
An Open Letter to All
I write this as yet again I am finding myself anon attack by someone who deems themselves to be helping me, when in fact they are doing nothing but hindering me, and blocking me out of my one support network. I write this from the heart and from the truth as I know it, nothing… Continue reading An Open Letter to All
Flashback
Flashbacks for me are done in a situation that mean nothing, but my mind playing games with me, today was different, today I ended up feeling physically sick but yet again had to hide my feelings, as the situation was so hard. This morning a planned meeting, one of a serious nature, but one that… Continue reading Flashback
Pain
I guess I should give this post a trigger warning, I have no idea. I am at a loss what is real, what is a concern or what is normal any more. Friday night, anxiety kicked in hard and fast, reason and logic left my mind, No control, no emotion just pure self loathing taking… Continue reading Pain
*drunken ramblings #3*
I no longer know whats real, time escapes me, moments leave me, I write this after a panic attack kicked in hard and fast with the trigger hiding deep in a day of chaos. This is ending up all over the place, but I really don't care right now.... I may have issues, it doesn't… Continue reading *drunken ramblings #3*
Time is Futile
When your small, time is long, the future ahead seems so far ahead, everything seems like its lasting forever, yet coming out the other side and into adult hood, time becomes something that just seems to be over in the blink of an eye. Standing as a small child, light blonde hair scrapped back into… Continue reading Time is Futile
Deja Vu
The letter box rattling today, a highly confidental letter, doubled up to ensure privacy, my heart skipping a beat, pulling the papers towards me, glancing down reading the print before me. My heart now in my mouth as the tears threatened to show, the words floating before me, fear over taking me, a feeling of… Continue reading Deja Vu
*drunken ramblings #2*
Do you ever sit there and wonder about you? Who you are, I mean deep down inside, the workings the making of, the whole, I am me, but who I am kind of stuff? 2017, I was a women getting by in life, someone who was just dealing with daily life, unhappy but happy, happy… Continue reading *drunken ramblings #2*
Nothingness
Stood on the edge, Looking down below her, far below her, nothingness, No longer afraid, Led to this point by despair.Tears falling, her mind clear, Darkness that controls her, waiting, just waiting, Pushing away the light, finding comfort in the darknessHer mind enforcing on her self loathing. Encouraging it, embracing it. Stood on the edge,… Continue reading Nothingness
2 attempts 3 WTF’s….
Maybe not the best title, but on reflection is anything right anymore, is anything the right way to do anything? 2nd April, I hit the point of no return, finding myself on a path, My intention to rid the world of my existence,10th April, I wanted to walk, walk until I was numb, walk until… Continue reading 2 attempts 3 WTF’s….
I just want it to stop.
I had it all planned out, I knew what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, but my mind did the normal of let's throw this all out of the window, lets turn you into a blank idiot, were nothing makes sense and what you want no longer matters, Yet all I wanted… Continue reading I just want it to stop.
Detached reality
ok before I start 1) I'm on the rum and 2) I dont want to turn this into a lifestyle blog or a blog about my life in general. Yet this post sort of covers that. Detached reality , this is what I have become and I struggle to understand this feeling. Standing alone yet… Continue reading Detached reality
I am just me
I don’t share my story to seek assiduity, I don’t show my wounds to seek solace. I seek solitude, I know my path, I am soon to walk that path, I chose to share my journey for nothing more than to remind those who have forgotten, I am a person with a heart, a person… Continue reading I am just me
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