The last couple of years have not been easy, and by no means are we back on a normal path now, and potentially won't be for a long time, thing's aren't great in our situation, but it's time I turned a negative into a positive. I write this post with a thank you, despite all… Continue reading Thank You
Positive Thoughts
They say good thing's come only if you think positive, or to have good happenings to think positive, I personally don't believe in these saying's, I respect if you do, but when you have lived a life where positive thoughts to get you out of bad situations hasn't actually worked, then please respect my thoughts… Continue reading Positive Thoughts
Flashbacks
I thought my flashbacks where giving me a break, I thought maybe now my mind had calmed, calmed from them, one less thing to deal with in this chaos that is my mind, Instead, I had just been lulled into a false sense of security, as when trying to have a day of peace and… Continue reading Flashbacks
I write this as a private blog, Yet it may end up public, I don't know, I post it with the intention as a private blog as I know your sighs and exasperation will cause me so much guilt I won't be able to cope. Guilt maybe I deserve as clearly I am a shit… Continue reading
The proof of the lie’s for the information I got wrong
I have been accused of spreading false information, whilst getting a name wrong, (easily done) and I if I should spread such lies, then I should at least get that part right,So here it is in writing, the lies I have been spreading, Nov 2020, my neighbour physically assaulted me in my own home, of… Continue reading The proof of the lie’s for the information I got wrong
Reality, what is it really? is it what we know, or is it a figment of time that we don't actually live? I no longer know, esp when my mind plays games like it did today Driving my car today, I glance around, checking the mirrors,Roads, trees, cows, the sky, fields, other traffic, Clear, sharp,… Continue reading
Words Can Hurt
My past, is a past that has caused me so much pain and anger, from the moment I was born, it has never ended, Much lays hidden in the depths of my mind, dropping in often unexpected as a reminder of the path I have walked. One part of my journey though, has been documented… Continue reading Words Can Hurt
Struggling
Without drink, I struggle through each day, refusing to acknowledge the truth, refusing to deal the card life has handed me, I pull all to the back, I focus on others, I do what is required of my life, one to appease others, one to ensure nothing is unsettled, a life of calm, and happiness… Continue reading Struggling
Words are Nothing
When thing's get bad, I try and blog it within 24/48 hours to be able to try and process my feelings, my thoughts, try and clear my head, yet here I am a week in, only just sitting down now, but my head is just chaos, there is no clarity. The urge and the need… Continue reading Words are Nothing
Have you ever just stood there, in any location, and wondered how? Have you ever looked around you, in any place, and thought, what?Have you ever just sat and looked at someone and wondered, Who?Today, Stood in the middle of a supermarket, I look at my husband, I look around me, and nothing feels real,… Continue reading
Hauntingly Silent
I have been silent once again here, My life is taken over by everyone and everything else, Yet, one thing I am able to do, is something I have wanted to do for so long,Yet, for many reasons, I have had to wait, confidence being the main one, Yet now is the time, Now is… Continue reading Hauntingly Silent
Drink
Give up the drink they said, its a depressant they said, I don't like drink, he say's, I'm teetotal, he say's, Drink is bad they say, Drinking is selfish, I hear, Hangover's are not worth it, they claimWithdrawal will be hell, you drink too much, I suffer neither hangovers, nor withdrawal, Instead my punishment is… Continue reading Drink
When is a dream not a dream
I hate night times, normally I lay awake with no sleep on the horizon, my mind kicks in and starts to play games, my memories play over and over, I start to question everything I have ever done wrong, it never stops,Last night thought, sleep came fast, so exhausted, so tired, my body finally gave… Continue reading When is a dream not a dream
2006
At a time when I crave solitude and to be on my own, there was once a time, I had more then enough alone time, there was a time, I went from being in a supported unit, with people around, to nothing, pure nothing.My first proper home should have been one of joy.A home where… Continue reading 2006
Sleep
Sleep, for some an escape from this world, a chance to rest and forget about life for a few hours, For others a land of nothing until the next morning, to wake with no fear, just ready for another day,For some others, sleep doesn't happen often, and when it does, it takes them to a… Continue reading Sleep
gift receiving
Why is gift receiving such a uncomfortable experience? As another year has passed, another dot on my existence, Another reminder that I still sit today in this world. Another Christmas gone by, I once again question life, Everything I do, questioned, every moment, Currently, I only want to create a good memory, Yet its so… Continue reading gift receiving
Night Time’s
Laying awake at night, the hours flowing into one, Watching the darkness fold over the world, The birds settle down, As silence falls over the house, Solitude, the one thing I craved, Yet the craving isn't what I expected,As my mind plays games, My fingers running over the scars on my arms,No regret's, just regrets… Continue reading Night Time’s
Forgetful
Early hours of the am, I feel the words I wish to speak, but by the morning, my mind escapes me, So I blog now, in the hope I make sense of the mind I live. At night I speak what I feel in the hope of the morrow I remember, I tell myself I… Continue reading Forgetful
Laying in bed, stating into the darkness, sleep no longer a option, Curled up under the duvet, praying sleep to come, I watch the shadows dancing in the moonlight. Anxiety starts to kick in, my tummy doing back flips, I feel sick. My mind starts to play games,You deserve this, if you hadn't have done… Continue reading
Friendships
I won't deny I struggle with friends, social interactions are difficult for me, I muddle through but often with detrimental effect, Never learn? Nope, when I am never shown another way, nor am I corrected, why would I learn?Until one day, back in 2007, my husband introduced me to a friend he held dear. Meeting… Continue reading Friendships
Detachment
If I could go back to any year, ANY, it would be 1980, the year before I existed, The year Peacefully Erratic was nothing,. This world is a battle for me, getting by on a daily basis, Trying to understand were I fit in, learning through mistakes, Learning through physical and mental pain, it's a… Continue reading Detachment
1st Step
I keep getting told to get help, but help isn't always easy to get, so many seem to think it's as simple as picking up the phone and asking for it, but sadly that's not the reality, esp in this covid ridden world right now. In Jan of 2020, a phone call, wiped me from… Continue reading 1st Step
1 soul, 2 personalities
I write this from my own thoughts, through no judgement of anything or anyone, it's a question I am curious of, and understand there Is no answer, but sometimes It's good too just let go and vent? My whole life I have struggled with an identity, struggled with people, relationships in any form, they are… Continue reading 1 soul, 2 personalities
A Glimmer of Hope
Last week, step's were made in the start of getting help, actual support, as I was referred to a service that had never been mentioned to me before, a service I could contact when in times of crisis. I held this information close, trusting I could use it, would use it, I didn't know, I… Continue reading A Glimmer of Hope
Flash Back – One year ago
This time last year, I was sat on a bridge, time meaning nothing, people meaning nothing, words just hollow, I craved solitude, I didn't want whatever was then. A year ago, I was on a path of self destruction, do I still walk that path, I can't answer that, well not truthfully, I shall say,… Continue reading Flash Back – One year ago
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