Flashbacks

I thought my flashbacks where giving me a break, I thought maybe now my mind had calmed,
calmed from them, one less thing to deal with in this chaos that is my mind,
Instead, I had just been lulled into a false sense of security, as when trying to have a day of peace and relaxation,
With no warning, no trigger, bam, I am taken back to a moment,
of a time I had not forgotten, but had chosen to try and avoid remembering.

I wish not to utter the words of the events of this time,
For now too sickening to speak of, too difficult to put into words,
Its a memory of a moment that is about words uttered to me,
Words that cause my mind to play these games,
yet the effect, the pain, the result of this memory are the same.
As I sit and struggle to comprehend this time, that time, any time,
I refuse too allow the tears to fall, for what is the point,
Tears change nothing, time changes nothing, what has happened has happened,
Why can’t my mind forget, why can’t my mind move on,
What joy does it get from reminding me suddenly of a time long past,
one that causes me internal distress, a flash back that happens briefly,
takes me back and replays a trauma, that at the time was normal to me,
Only now am I able to understand how very wrong it was,

Yet for days after, weeks even, my mind will replay that moment,
no longer a flash back, just a memory that I had tried so hard to avoid.
playing over and over, like a broken record,
I wish It would stop, I wish it would all stop,

I hate this

I am not afraid