I have often wondered why i react in the way i do, to sometimes the most ordinary situations, situations that normal people can respond to easily. Its hard to relearn behaviours when you dont understand them in the first instance Recently I posted about a book, a book on trauma survivors and C-PTSD work book.… Continue reading Double Whammy

I tried to go out yesterday, but my mind betrayed me, as a panic attack forced its way through my body. Pulling on sunglasses praying no one sees the tears, focusing on my breathing and then Getting back to the hotel, i fought back emotions tearing at me like knives jabbing at every part of… Continue reading The curtains stay closed

Walking into the up the stairs, door after door, A hotel staff member concerned, constantly asking if she could help, if only i could speak to tell her, no one can help, its too late, finally I step through an open door, dropping my one small bag to the floor, as the door clicks shut… Continue reading The world has crumbled

Have you ever walked and watched your feet, Yet your feet don't seem real, Have you walked a street, and looked around you,Yet nothing seems real?Everything intensified, Whispered voices so loud, Small footsteps thundering, Movement around a blur, Everything surreal, you keep walking, Keep talking, keeping going, hoping it soon eases, Ground yourself they say,… Continue reading

I have recently started to question my memories, am I being gaslighted by my own mind?Am I being tricked into questioning the truth, Or is the truth a reality I just wish to no longer acknowledge? The past is a confusion one part of me wishes to unravel, the other, I no longer know,What is… Continue reading Reality Vs Memories

I often write of my dreams, I never understand them, yet I put them into words, in the hope of making some sense, My husband speaks of random boring dreams, of exploring building's, I wish I could experience this, but my mind has other ideas! To some my dreams may be nothing, but to me,… Continue reading Dreams

They say we can make our life to be what we want it to be, Is there any truth to this? Or is it a hopeless saying in the vain desperation for those in the better place, of feeling better towards those who are struggling, you know those empty platitudes, that only hold meaning to… Continue reading

I often hear these words, with a hand on my arm,Shaking me, knocking me, a voice through a fog, Calling my name, asking me *where are you*It takes a moment to register, a moment to bring myself back to your world,Bring myself back to reality,Where was I?I wish I could say *none of your business*I… Continue reading Where are you

I have never denied having a temper, hell part of it is being a women, part is being brought up in a volatile home, never calm, never knowing kind hands. I try to be calm now, but I admit I struggle, but in recent weeks thing's have been so much easier, I have found myself… Continue reading Anger at the System

Was it an angel who brushed their hand across my cheek, Was it an angel who dropped by my bedroom yesterday, Was it an angel who's breath I felt, when the room was silent but for my own self,Was it an angel who's shadow flickered across the room, As a sense of peace fell over… Continue reading Was it You?

When you lay your head to rest at night, when you close your eyes, awaiting a warmth of sleep closing over your body, I accept now, that in my world, that nightmares await, visions I fear, visions, emotions & moments I cannot escape from until my body decides its time to wake. Yet the other… Continue reading

I have never shied away from admitting my mental health battle,I have never shied away from admitting we have social services involved, I have never shied away from admitting our oldest boy, 9, O, has issues, These issues, from whether he's just hard work or has actual behaviour problems, I have never denied, and have… Continue reading Our current reality

I actually did a thing, It took 3 anxiety attacksIt took tears, but I did a thing, I didn't give up, yet I did, then didn't Now my hair sits a ton lighter, washed and brushed, countless inches shorter, Because I didn't give upI did another thing too, I had a birthday cake, I had… Continue reading I did a thing

A confusion of emotions, I am expected to forget/let go of moments that caused me pain,Yet I have to remember them, to appease others, another reminder, that my pain doesn't matter, Because if someone else wants info on that moment, my pain doesn't matter, I have to go through all that pain to remember, yet… Continue reading I have to forget Yet am not allowed?

When you lay awake at night, and you think of the words you want to blog, but by the morning they are gone, I wish not to disturb those around me whilst they try to sleep. So my blog remains quiet, it's hard, So much inside, so much I want to let out, memories, moments… Continue reading

I write this as I have many times before, or of a similar style, but now I write with a clear mind, I write just to confirm in my mind, I write to allow me to read this over and over in a mantra, maybe then I can snap out of this place my head… Continue reading I am normal

As my daughter grows into her teenage year's, just recently passing her 12th year in this world, I look into her eyes, I see hope, I see a future, I witness an innocence, yet someone so strong, Knowing her place, whilst understanding she is young, Her respect towards adults, questionable, but her empathy and her… Continue reading

I often wonder if dreams are a deeper insight into our minds, or are they just a world to cause us more pain and confusion, when the dreams you experience a part of a world you are confused by, are they conflicting emotions or are they simply a part of your brain telling you a… Continue reading

Something I will explore but for now, thinking out loud, needing to type whilst my brain goes into over drive, thinking so much all the time it never stop's, then when I do get the chance to blog, which is rare, I come across a mind that refuses to let the words flow.So now whilst… Continue reading

Have you ever felt like you are waiting, Though waiting for what you don't know, When you wake in the morning, and you don't feel like anything you do is to be done, Other then just because it is expected and needed, Everything feeling like you are in a fog, unreal, unsure, whilst you are… Continue reading Waiting

have you ever just sat and looked into a mirrorhave you ever just sat and looked at a reflection, A reflection of your own, yet one you will never see,who you are, never seen by your own eyes, yet a face that is with you forever, A face that you know so well, yet is… Continue reading A Face