Therapy

That word that is being used against me once again, a word that is used as a weapon in my world to stop me moving forward, a word that no matter how i use it, its wrong, always so wrong, to the point i question everything once again.
2022 I started a private therapy to help me through what I was going through…. it was wrong
So I stopped, in hindsight, why did I stop, I was trying to help myself!!
Yet I was told it was wrong, so I stopped,
Months later I struggled, so I reached out to the NHS, had the door slammed on my face,
Waiting lists, so many waiting lists,
I went private, but in my mind, constantly, its wrong, its not what the local authority want you to do,
You must do as they say, or its a waste of time,
So I stopped,
Finally NHS stepped up, April 2024, I was finally offered the therapy I was told I had to have,
Therapy that was recommended in a time that I was in dire need,
Yet by the time it started, I was already healing in my own way, managing in my own way,
I was safe, I was finding ways to manage that meant my mental health wasn’t at risk,
But I stepped into the NHS CAT therapy. It conflicted with so many of my newly found beliefs,
Yet I continued, until now.

My last session December 2024, my therapist now on leave, no date of return set,
I have been through times in the last few months, that have pulled my mind into uncomfortable places

Yet I managed, I stayed safe, I used all techniques I am aware of, and I am OK
Learning CAT therapy is about core experience,
Learning that those core experiences created negative beliefs within my own mind,
Learning that those negative beliefs caused patterns of behaviours that could be deemed harmful
Learning these behaviours can cause certain states of mind,
to understand, respect my mind in this process, then find a safe exit,
One that I can use if I find myself in these patterns or thoughts, Understand which part is playing games,
Find it, work with it, understand it, and get out of that mindset,

17 sessions of CAT therapy, then abandoned, no support, in a time of crisis, but I have done OK

Yet its not enough, that very word, Therapy, being used as a weapon against me,
Told I cannot progress forward until that therapy has finished, yet its an end thats no where in sight

I question therapy though, I know its not allowed, I am forced into it, if I have any hope of getting my children home in the next 20 years, I have to do this, yet I know they will just find another excuse, but I ask this:

Is therapy just a way of coping, and not fully healing, The local authority, I truely don’t believe, understand mental health,
an umbrella term used, with intent of harm to the one suffering it, Not caring the end result, esp if its to their gain of destroying a family more

There is no time in my life, where I was not abused, I understand it effected my core development,
I understand there is no scenario where I have been *normal*
The idea of me being that in any way is just a fantasy,
I have nothing to default back too, no matter what therapy I do, or how long I do it for,
Therapy can’t fix me, its more empowerment in my own internal self to know, this is who I am

This person that was created by trauma is the base of who I will always be,
All I can do is manage and learn to live with this in the safest way I can,
I have days where I can forget CPTSD is part of my life
I have day’s where it takes over and controls me,
I fear those days, as people around me expect me to react normal
But what is normal for them, I know now, will never be mine.
I have to forget normal, learn to accommodate it within my life,
Therapy will never make me normal, its just a place to work out how to navigate life safely,
I no longer feel shame of my mental health, I own it,
I was robbed of a normal life, by a women whom once tried to call herself my mother,
that is not my doing, and I cannot undo that

What I can do is progress forward, try and be better each day, week, month
But it doesn’t feel enough, when will it ever be enough
Will it ever be enough, or will I never be allowed to be me, be a mother?
Because I was never normal, and therapy will never be able to fix me back to a normal that never existed

It has helped me understand and helped me feel more human at times,
But on the negative its made me aware of what trauma has done
what paths it has led me down,
forced me to accept a life I never asked for
Never wanted,

Healing is not a checkbox, human complexity doesn’t fit into timelines,

I am not broken.
I am not normal and I never was allowed to be.
I am not what they say I must become to be worthy.
I am someone who lives with trauma every day
and I do it without giving up, without lying about what it has done to me.

Therapy is not a weapon, not a cage, not a test I must pass.
It is a space I enter, sometimes, to remember that I am human.
And if that’s not enough for them, it’s because they never wanted healing.
They wanted obedience.

But I have something better:
My voice.
My self-awareness.
My power.

You can’t fix what was never broken.
You can only learn how to survive it, live with it, grow despite it.
And that’s exactly what I’ve done