Can you ever change who you are from the inside out, or are you just putting on a mask to appease others in a situation that they deem fit to call it a disguised action?
My identity as I grew was never grounded, paths taken, guided, misled, manipulated to suit others needs from the moment those tiny breaths started into this world.
Now nearly 43 yrs after that first breath, My life I know now, is one that does not know, a life without trauma.
I do not seek to displace blame, As I accept my actions later in life were my own, by own mouth, mind or thought. What I do blame, is a situation that was taken yet left, a situation today that could be so different if someone had changed mine for me, all those years ago, yet they didn’t
Instead I sit here a result of circumstance, yet expected to take full blame for all.
I accept a few years ago, things could have been done different,
I accept I could have reacted different,
I accept my mental health took its own path, one of destruction, not just for myself but the ones that’s relied on me.
For me personally, not knowing who I was, did not help me on the path I took, Unsure of whether I was this ball of anger that everyone assumed I was, or was there under, a women screaming out, wanting to hear Its OK, you are safe, lets do this differently. Hear it from whom? I needed to hear it from my own thoughts, my own voice. But my mind was too cluttered, to noisy. Those kind words, words of affirmation drowned out by pain, by hate, by frustration. Drowned out by her own mind,
Confusion was a lived experience.
As I step into today, and reflect, once again, on the last few years, I have no regrets, bar the hurt on my own mini humans.
For if this path had not been walked, I do not know how life could have continued the way it was. Things were in a bad place, but often you can become so comfortable there, you can see no way out, wish to see no way out. Normal becomes almost a frightening concept that one simply cannot imagine being in their life, So they continue on choosing to block out anything that tells you that you should be there and not in the place you are.
I feel able now to say I am more confident in where I am, Who I am, and the life I live now. I have spent 2 years working on her. Despite the fact they state its still not enough, one cannot change without evidence, or one simply cannot change!
Is this reality? life is masked until you are told it is ok to be who you have become, or can one change and simply be accepted into her new life by others as this is OK.
The past is behind you, and it can stay there, there is no need to revisit, they say be proud of who you are, what you have done to get to there. Instead every week, dragged back into reminders of what once was, Every so often a reminder that who you have become, may not be enough.
As you break toxic behaviors, break toxic patterns, its not a done once, all is OK, its working on it every day, knowing and understanding to be the person who want to be. Trying every day, to ensure you do not fall back into that life.
As temptations tap me on the shoulder, its so much easier to say not today, not tomorrow, I will not listen to you any longer,
I am stronger now, I know my way, I have found my way, I will not look back for hope any more, instead I will walk into the tomorrow with a new start each morning, grateful for the day.
Do I wish circumstances where different? Of course, i wish those that continue to blight my life, would have done what they should have done after my first year of breathing….. Saved me, instead they punish me now for the person I became as a result.
Today I am saved in other ways, saved in a way I never thought possible, but that’s for another day
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