5 yrs ago, I woke in the morning, not knowing my mind was planning to betray me, I was unaware of the heartache it was about to cause.
As I stepped into a new day, believing my life only deserved the demons that were about to take hold of my mind and body, The very ones, who did their best to befriend me that day, dragging me to the darkest depths with them by my side.
As for hours on that very day, I battled with my existence, As I tried to fight for a reason to keep going. They say you have a husband and children, surely that is reason enough. For me, they needed more then I could ever give, life was unkind, life was hard, life was cold. I truly believed, without myself there, their worlds would improve, to one of hope and happiness.
For some 5 yrs is a long time, one to be moved on from.
I sit, and close my eyes, my mind takes me back to that moment, stepping over the barrier,
I can still feel the breeze on my face, Hear the traffic behind me, I can still remember the feeling of intense calm,
I can still hear voices, I don’t recall words, just voices, noise, annoying noise, when all I wanted was to be left.
I reflect back on this day, not in a way of hurt or fear, not in one where I have not dealt with that moment,
I have many times over the months, I look back today and see things differently.
Wondering if God was there too that day, I was just to blinded to see it,
Was this a sign, one I couldn’t understand. I speak of a white light often over taking me, protecting me from what is about to go ahead, I didn’t have that this day.
Instead, I wonder, were the swans Gods message, of love and hope, strength that if I got through and off that bridge, that he will be waiting for me.
Waiting for me to find him, before leading me to a new path. The Path I am on today.
it takes time, it took me 4 yrs, and now 5 yrs in, I have him in my life, and I thank him.
Growing into the women I have become through him, I wrote on this blog a year ago, Still finding my path, still finding my hope.
I walk every day, I have moments of wobbling, if I didn’t, I think I would be concerned. All I know is that 5 yrs on from that day, the day that changed everything for me, looking back, I can see my life in a new way, I can revisit that day and the weeks surrounding it with a new mind, a new thought, new emotions. I can contain and control it, I can embrace it with the knowledge, that whilst I thought the demons where beside me, God was waiting. Waiting for me to have the strength to pull away and step into his world
5 yrs on, I am there,
Do I regret that day? Do I hold resentment for what took me on that path? I know these questions have been asked of me, I finally can hold my head high and say no.
I simply cannot regret a day that whilst was one of pain, fear and self destruction, it was a day where I learned more then I will ever tell
Do I resent what took me on that path….
Dear God
In this moment of reflection,
I come before You with a humble heart, seeking Your guidance and strength.
I release the burdens of resentment that have weighed me down for far too long.
Help me to let go of the past, embracing the path it has led me on, and to see it as a part of my journey toward growth and understanding.
Grant me the wisdom to recognize the lessons hidden within my experiences and the courage to forgive those who have caused me pain, including myself.
May I find peace in the acceptance of what was, and may my heart be filled with love and compassion instead of bitterness.
As I move forward, help me to cherish the present and to look toward the future with hope and gratitude.
Thank You for Your unwavering love and support,
guiding me toward a brighter tomorrow.
In Your name,
I pray.
Amen.
A song I shared, just two days before this day.
peacefullyerratic.com 