To some a date is just another day ticked off on the calendar, a normal day,
For others, dates mean more then just a day in their diary, more then a birthday, For some a date is a reminder you have survived another year,
Not just a year of life, but survived after spending one date one day, longing for it to end, A day the mind just switched off and said no, no more, No more pain, no more confusion, no more trauma. Reaching that date each year, this the fourth, means I got through, I made it, There is still pain, there is still trauma, there is still confusion
But thing’s sit clearer now, my mind less fuzzy, less willing to be a victim to a others demands, Less wanting to appease those who surround, instead, realizing and learning, Learning my own mind, my own needs, are important, can come first, As I have found a path of healing, a path where a future sits.
To have reached the very depths four years ago, pushed beyond, accused of selfishness, accused of my past, to blame for every moment.
I stand now, not the women I was then, refusing to hold blame for the actions of others, to no longer feel bad for a childhood I could not control,
I stand today, instead as someone who is still discovering who they are, I refuse to believe their words, for they do not know who I am , their words no longer matter.
Four years ago, lost, scared and so alone, not knowing trust, not knowing warmth, Today, I have found warmth, I am learning trust and I am no longer alone, I found faith, I found god and I found a path, I found hope and I may see a glimmer of a future
Four years since I reached the darkest moment, I climbed my own way back out, I stumbled, I swayed, but I made it through.
I am not strong, as I didn’t chose this path,
I am not weak because I know what it takes to battle the dark,
I am just me,
A women who didn’t chose her childhood,
A women who didn’t chose her teenage years
A women’s who’s early adulthood was dictated by a system,
All stolen, yet none my fault, led me to a path of self destruction,
Then blamed for her own downfall, and punished further,
Today I stand as a women who refuses to bow down to others, As a women who refuses to put my needs behind others,
For I am me, and that is allowed. I went into the depths of the darkness with uncertainty, but I walked out with knowledge of a world that was opening before me, I learnt where I needed to be, I discovered what I needed to do.
If I can pull myself out of that, my next path is one of softness, thing’s are never going to be easy, but I am going to make sure I do it and do it in a safe and calm manner,
Healing isn’t over night, and I understand ill forever carry C-PTSD with me, but I embrace it, and will work with it and not against it,
And Ill allow the date to remind me where I have been, Ill allow it to gently poke me every year, Ill allow the feelings I still remember from then to wash through me, but no longer will it control me, Those demon’s can sit in the shadows, People can still treat me how I once was, refusing to see change, refusing to allow me to change, as they preferred the old me,
But four years on from that dark dark day, I am finally discovering who I am, and that person who once was, I left her on the bridge on 14th Oct 2019, its been a long road, whether there will be an end, I don’t know, until then, I live for each moment.
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