the pull is still so strong, the will power of No, grows weaker each time,
As I sit, my hands fighting my all beside me,
Some will say well done on being strong,
Yet all I want to do is scream, I am not strong, I have no desire to be strong,
The pull is so strong, I find distraction, but I know each time it weakens,
Soon there will be no reason to say No,
Soon all I have will be this, I feel no shame, I feel no regret,
I want to work through everything first, no matter how far that takes me,
No matter what annoyance I cause, as this path now,
Is one where I no longer care for another, nor do I care for their feeling’s,
I am done being selfless, for it is time to be selfish,
I know though, that many will say that is all I am, selfish,
Yet I have allowed too long for others to make judgement of me with no repercussions,
I have allowed others to judge me with no question, no evidence, no argument,
I have sat and allowed hate to be spewed at me, for which when I fight back,
I am wrong, over and over and over again, because everyone else is right and knows me better then me,
Whether that is via never knowing me yet judging or via making their own mind via others stories,

I refuse to take this, yet the punishment is real, raw and the pull so strong,
I want to give in to the pull, I wish to relent to its never ending pull,
Knowing the solace at the end, the warmth, the numbness,

How much more do I need to go through, to be able to be free?
Not free from the traumas of a past, but the controls of others and their inaccuracies of whom one may be?

I know many say ignore them, yet one simply cannot, when you are destroying others,
Due to their own thoughts of you, I wish to place a full stop,
It is not fair to wait for the end of ones own existence, as for by then,it will be too late,

The pull drags me deeper, into the comfort of the darkness,
The feeling I get as I edge closer, one of reassurance,
A feeling I know, and understand, a feeling that understands me,
One with no argument, no empty platitudes, just empathy in a way no one else can.

I resist for now, but I cannot say for how long the will power will hold,
As reminders why I am in this place slap me hard in the face once again,
I hold words in with an echo of I am fine, I am OK, as it’s simply easier,
then explaining words, words I have used so many times once before,
yet still get brushed under a carpet, told not to be silly,

So Ill take my silliness and sit with the darkness wrapping around me,
Ill sit and feel the pull, so strong, so needing, so comfortating,
Until the time gives in for when I once again cave into it’s desire,

I intend to fight every corner until then, to move forward I need answers,
And I won’t stop till I get them,
This time, Ill stand by my own, and allow it to guide me like never before,

this is no longer a battle, this is now a path to a end.