Is this really a thing, or is it dangerous to one’s own mental well being. I know some assume last weeks wobble is dealt with, I shall allow them that thought, as I fight every day with what is in my mind now, and what it think’s and tells me, the fear of not understanding so far out of my own grasp, I don’t know what to do.

Maybe it’s time for me to take each moment, break it down bit my bit, take myself back to those times, sit through them, document them then, look into what happened, why is happened, and what I could have done differently, I don’t know any other way to deal with this. I have no support, I have no hope, I have no wish or desire go down this path, yet I feel left with no other option. I am expected to move forward with my own mental health, expected to heal and provide a better future for myself, yet how can you do that when there is no way of doing so without a ton of money in the bank, along with support from friends and family, support and guidance of professionals.
I have none of these, So I am going to have to take a risk.
Nothing in order, nothing in sense, I feel the only way to stop this is to document it all in a way that I can walk away from. Knowing this type of self help will never be recognized, I do not do it for them, I do it for myself, no matter where it takes me as a result

Oh I am so very damned afraid right now, this fear of whatever it may be, where ever it came from, I don’t like it, I don’t want it, I don’t need it. And I am sure as hell going to do all I can to make it go away

I go to write this, I think these are the strongest moments that have created unhealed trauma, a trauma I didn’t know existed as I assumed it was just normal, normal behavior to be left alone when times are tough, more then tough, when life becomes one where you can see no way out, no hope, no warmth, all just taken from beneath you, left in a dark oblivion, then I realise these moment’s have happened more then I thought. Thoughts that these moment’s of *normal* have impacted on me more then I care to admit, is this what has caused these issues today.
I assumed that it was the obvious that caused this, the one’s that I have had professionals ram down my throat, yet I am aware of those concerns, those fear’s, those triggers, I am more able to deal with those. What I have never been able to deal with is the unknown, the uncertainty, of knowing there was something deeper, but unable to manage it, as how can you do such a thing, when it is unknown to you?

All these moments slamming themselves into my mind when I don’t want them too, feeling’s hitting me with no warning, cold rushing though me, showing out in splitting, anger and frustration that I regret, but by then it’s too late,
I need to work through this, I need to start by, I am afraid.
Do I have time? I don’t know,
Do I have the knowledge? I don’t know
Do I have support? I don’t know

I am lost, totally fucking lost, but it is what it is, and it will be whatever it will be