EUPD~ Splitting

I have recently struggled to find motivation to blog, I have wanted to, I have so much in my mind, but nothing feels right, or the timing is wrong. As sleepless nights, have decided to be part of my life again, I have decided at 1145pm, to find a quiet chair, and just type out something I have been struggling to understand, or make sense of, a subject I revisit over and over, never making sense of anything, Now, I have taken the dark nights and dug deep into the internet to try and understand more of this world, whilst I don’t think I will ever fully will, I hope it will help me on find more on who I am and why I am the way I am.

Who I am, I have never understood, never discovered, not because I haven’t wanted too, but I assumed who I was was who I am, its only of recent that I learnt that, who this is sat here, shouldn’t be the person sat here.
A childhood shapes you into becoming an adult, a strong independent person with a future, hopes and plans, you spend years learning the basics of life, enough to build you into a person who can function in this world, childhood, a short passage way between newborn baby and adulthood.
Yet in reality it’s more then that, when you really look beyond the standard, it shapes you emotionally, it shapes you mentally, it creates your brain and how you react and act in situations, it brings you emotional regulation, it teaches you warmth, love, it teaches you respect, you wake each morning knowing you can get up, go to school, play with friends, turn to a parent for help and guidance, you learn social skills, and teaches you that this world is hard, but its OK. You have got this, you will be OK, Life will have ups and downs, but a parent or an adult will guide you on how to get through it all.

For some of us, we have not had this luxury, you may find that a strange word to use, for what should be a basic life for every child. For some of us, we have had experiences only nightmares could touch briefly in your world, for some of us, cold was what met us, hate and ignorance, as you fast realise you were not meant for this world, a world that you found yourself in anyway.

This blog has dipped into some of my experiences, but now as more and more of a puzzle falls into place, I have more understanding that this childhood that I had created actions that only now I can say were a result of un-diagnosed CPTSD and un-diagnosed EUPD. Created fractures and confusion, meaning people struggled to understand me, and friendships struggled, my own business struggled, relationships, general day to day life, I thought was normal, hell I thought it was all normal, but I know now, it wasn’t, barely any of it was.

EUPD sometimes combines with CPTSD. People with EUPD are likely to have had adverse childhood experiences, invalidation in childhood, as well as childhood trauma. Its from these experiences that we are taught either overtly or inadvertently that our needs don’t matter, or that its not OK to ask directly for what we need. This is just one very small part,

As I have learnt over the past few weeks, about splitting, about favourite people, as I have discovered dissociation is *normal* for EUPD, over whelming thoughts, over load of sensory causing a struggle and negative reactions, unstable sense of self, and not knowing who I am, and so much more are all part of EUPD. It goes deeper then you could ever imagine.

Splitting, this is what I want to focus on now, as I have learnt about it, is something looking back, I can see has caused the biggest issue, but as I never had any inclination of what I was going through, people assume I am just a very nasty person, either a very cold person, or one with so much love and warmth it was crazy the difference between the two.
I mention this part, because of how one person in my life has been with me, a female, when she reads this, she will know who she is.

Splitting is, simply put, everything is all good or all bad, there is nothing else, the feelings can never merge, its one or the other.
Splitting in regards to people my brain is trying to pick between *black and white* as my opinion of you switches fast & frequently between good and bad, there will be no middle ground. We simply cannot process our own emotions let alone anyone else’s,
We split on people, and that person may not have even done anything to cause this, anything can set a split off, nothing can be done, you have done nothing wrong, all that is needed at that point is space, and time, We don’t need to be pushed or told to snap out of it, we don’t need to have someone keep pushing an argument, we already feel like absolute shite, and wish it wasn’t happening, but we simply cannot prevent it. Sadly some people take this personally, and i hope that by reading this, they can see that i don’t hate them, sometimes my EUPD mind just has a moment of fuck this, and goes all one way, refusing to see anything else. It happens so fast, there is often no chance of knowing it will happen until it happens.
In the past, when its happening, I have asked for space, but sadly some have pushed every button, almost as though they were enjoying watching me struggle, when all I needed was space, for them just to accuse me of all sorts when I did blow, yet all I needed was time. Some things not to do when someone is splitting, trying to tell that person what is wrong with that person, continuing the argument DURING the split, stonewalling or ghosting,
I have no emotional regulation, I loathe this, I wish I could, and it’s one thing I am struggling to learn, I wish I could find a middle ground, but it evades me
I see now that this has for me, caused a lot of problems in the past. Unfortunately, as there I was only recently diagnosed with EUPD, people just assumed I was a nasty person, with no care of thought to what I was doing or saying,
As a family member accused me of having split personality or other, or that I am over reacting, when really I just feel too deeply either all bad, or all good, and I don’t know what to do with those emotions. Things are so much more intense and unstable!

I am reading this back, and wondering does any of this even make sense, or am I all over the place, my flow for writing has left me, and I have so much I want to get out, but I don’t even know if this is right. I know there is no right or wrong, I guess I want to explain thing’s here, but I want to also share more, with the hope of more understanding, but maybe this needs to be a part two, I am confused, its 124am. My brain wants sleep, even though sleep won’t come.

I guess I am frustrated, as the words *I’m not talking to you you fucking slag* still ring high in my ears, words I didn’t and don’t deserve, yet were spoken out of spite and frustration, despite a few months ago, I had nothing but warmth from you. You seem to think I hate you, yet I don’t never have, you state that I am all over the place, you said some pretty shit things, I hope if you read this, you will understand, yes, I am all over the place, but it’s a result of not realising, until recently, that my brain is wired differently, due to childhood experiences, I live in permanent fight or flight, mode, the slightest trigger can turn the whole world to a negative with no light shining through in a second. After, I loathe myself, sometimes I get angry at myself, often I hurt myself after to punish myself, I feel guilty, I feel upset at how its gone, despite it at the current time being out of my control.

I have always struggled to understand why I reacted this way, that I hope now I can start to gain some self awareness and learn how to manage this, but I know I am in for a long road, I don’t ask for support, I don’t ask for help, as only I can help myself. I ask for nothing more than understanding

I speak here of one *sympton* of EUPD, one that I feel is the major issue for me personally, one that is not known, so the action of splitting is misunderstood.
I plan to do another post. I hope the next makes more sense, but damn I miss my flow! I need my motivation back,