I have debated over and over whether to do this, but I guess it’s better to do then do not, and regret later.

I write this in the hope that maybe the one it’s intended for will see this and maybe have some understanding, even just a small amount as to why they are in the situation they are in, A situation I never wanted but sometimes there are thing’s that need to be done regardless.

Our dear Boy, O, the first boy on your fathers side since his own birth, my own third born son, but just as incredible, and beautiful. When I first held you in my arms, heard your first low grumble (you never really properly cried!) my heart was captured, as were those of any one who held you.
When I first held you, I was scared, so damned scared, My first two boy’s, I had lost to forced adoption, I could sit and say it wasn’t my fault, and 95% of it wasn’t, and I realize now, that they went due to at the time, un-diagnosed mental health issues with myself, by the time you arrived into this world though, I had had therapy, I had had learned to adapt, I had coping ways, and my whole life had changed for the better, the fear was still there though, could I be the mum I should be, could I be the mum you needed me to be, or would I fail another?
I am OK to say, for the first few years, we did OK. When your brother was born, he was very poorly, and I clung to him, fearing I was too lose him, pushing you deeper into a bond with your father. I watched that bond, and I didn’t feel right breaking that, so I focused on your brother, a mistake I will forever regret. We spent time together, but given the option, you went to your father and I chose your brother, No favoritism, We both loved you equally and dearly, it just felt right doing that way. (your father may disagree, I speak from my own mind and feelings)

You were a quiet baby, We could almost forget you were there, as you slept for hours, undisturbed by a hyper 3 yr old sister, or the hoover, life just didn’t faze you. So happy with whatever we were doing, or whoever was holding you. As you grew from newborn to baby, you found food, you found the delights of baby led weaning, and the mess…. oh the mess and giggles as you tried new flavors, it fast became your favorite pastime. You slowly discovered your feet and the world in your own time, observing everything around you, but you were never quite part of it. You seemed just content, even when your brother came along 11 months after you.
Your first birthday a big party, the center of attention, yet, once again, you were just happy sat watching the world, not a grumble, (unless you saw food you couldn’t get too!)
Your brother was just there for you, you never seemed too bothered, more fascinated by the older sister, who was more than happy to entertain you!
The world grew as you went into nursery, we moved home and your baby sister arrived by the time you were two. Everything seemed fine.
Or as fine as it could be, there was something with you that always seemed different, we could never put our finger on it, nothing bad, but your behaviors and reactions seemed different to that of your siblings, It is hard to explain. It made life interesting for sure, 4 different little personalities, but your’s really stood out.
By the time you were 4, we noticed your behaviors were different, and not in a normal way, nursery had picked up on it, esp the eating habits, but nothing of great concern. You were quick to temper though, again we just assumed it was you and part of your personality, but it still bothered us. We refused to label you, and put it down to you, just being you.
By 2017 though, we needed help, I won’t go into it, we didn’t want to ask for it, and struggled through to mid 2018, when early help hub became involved, they observed, listened, spoke, and agreed there was another level with you that needed help, they mentioned different thing’s, but again, labeling you was for us, at that time, not an option. You were just you, and we wanted to help and guide you in the best way we could.
At school you school over the years you struggled, violent and volatile until it came to a point you couldn’t be in the main stream classroom, then finally removed from school completely, again, I won’t go into this into detail, that is not needed, I just need to touch on thing’s, partly because we will never know the true reason why you went like this.
Due to the bond with your father, and I didn’t feel able to give you what you needed, when you struggled, you turned to him, You didn’t reject me, nor I you, it just seemed easier, as he understood your needs more. Another thing I shall always regret.

Around 2019, my mental health took its own turn for the worse, and the mummy you knew vanished over night, she became unavailable emotionally to you, suddenly the mum you knew, turned into someone you clashed with. We argued, we shouted,
I said unkind words, words I realize now, that were worse then any physical punishment, you were only just 7, too young to understand, but old enough to understand that you could fight back, even if there was no intention or understanding behind it. (something I only realize now, when its too late)
We fought, we woke each morning, not knowing how each other would be, avoiding each other, it was horrid. If we crossed paths, it was tense. We did have some day’s we did try, but it was hard, as you were surprisingly a strong boy, and someone would end up hurt.
Food fights and water fights (yes in the house!) were always a good time though, don’t get me wrong, not every single moment was hell, we had good days, but the bad out weighed those.

I regret every one of those moments and day’s, as your anger turned, frustrations from not being understood, annoyance at a mum who simply couldn’t be there for you, resentment as I am sure you felt we favored your siblings. As your hands turned into your weapon, moments I won’t repeat here, as those are times, that need to be forgotten, understood as a time were you felt you not wanted, I guess to be in control of a situation that you felt out of your depth in. People, and animals got hurt.

One night, your father was out. You and I got into an argument, you ran from me, I went after you, I wanted to stop this shouting, you went to go downstairs, we had no carpet, I went down after you, afraid you would slip as you had socks on, I grabbed the back of your tshirt, a huge mistake, you twisted your body to get away from me, my hand let go and you feel the final 2 stairs, hitting the floor, I yelled out, you stood up, said you were OK, didn’t seem to be in pain. When I noticed the floor had blood, fear filled me, your head had hit the edge of the unit, cutting your head, I pulled you, ran to next door yelling for help, it wasn’t major, but it scared the crap out of me. The neighbor (they were OK with us at this point) went and sat with the others, as I threw you in the car and rushed you to the local minor injuries, a couple butterfly stitches and you were fine, a small scar over time. I have since learnt you thought I had pushed you, this is far from the truth, Looking back, I can understand my hand on your collar, potentially felt like harm, when it was myself trying to stop you, instead I created an accident that tears me up inside to this day.
I mention this, as something else I have learned.
Words, words are just as bad as any physical punishment, I did use a hand on you as discipline, as I was led to believe was OK by the old school parents around me, lessons learned from social services soon taught us that there were better ways. Too late for the memories imprinted on you, the same as the words exchanged between us. Scars running deep, I cannot say sorry enough, I never ever wanted that for you. EVER!

As time went on yet again, (this time moving on sucks bar it being a massive learning curve) I, personally, got emotionally exhausted, and stopped bothering as much. Left your father to deal with more then he could cope with, and he began his own struggles. Your behavior beyond anything we could handle, Your relationship with your siblings was fractured, as they never knew how you would react to them from one moment to the next, one moment calm, the next throwing thing’s, threatening them,
You were crying out for help, but help just wasn’t there. So long long talks, stressed phone calls to social services, we realized we couldn’t give you what you needed,
Whether you were like you were because of nature from the moment you were born, with it exacerbated by my own mental health, or whether what you went into doing would have happened regardless, is a question we will never know the answer too.
Your time with us, became one of frustration and misunderstanding, that we chose a section 20, this was the hardest and most painful choice any parent could ever make.

When you left us that night in Feb, we didn’t realize you wouldn’t be coming home, initially thought it was a break, if we had known, we would have hugged you tighter, (we still did hugs!) whispered we loved you, and it wasn’t forever. Instead we waved you off expecting to see you home in a few day’s refreshed.
Eventually you landed with a couple not far from your home, L & A, (I won’t use their full names here for privacy), it was originally planned for short term, but I have a feeling they grew fond of you, as they extended their offer to long term, providing you could settle with the animals.
You have been with L & A for a few months now, and you have turned into an incredible young man, it hurts me inside, too see them be able to give you what I couldn’t.
But the ping of whats app, when we are sent a photo you ask them to forward on, makes me realize that whilst you aren’t with us, we aren’t far from your thoughts, and not a day goes by when we don’t think of you, or mention you.

I know there are many reports of what has gone on, and why you are like you are, some blame my mental health, despite the issues being there long before, others acknowledge the issues are deeper, some say there are none,
But this is my blog, where I say my story, and my own time with you. Your father will say his, your siblings another, professionals their own, each varies, to the point I do not believe there is a full true account of your time with us any more, thing’s twisted, the truth mixed in with mis truths, the only truth coming from direct experience, the rest coming from gaps filled as something may not be fully known, or confusion caused. All I know it’s been a great big fucking mess. And one I will regret for the rest of my days.

You are my son, my beautiful little man, Whom when I first held you in my arms, I felt nothing but love and warmth and affection, someone I was excited to learn to know, and watch grown.
Sadly this wasn’t meant to be, and I am so so sorry,
I am about to break my confidence on this site, My Oscar, I am so sorry I wasn’t able to be the mum you needed me to be. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I can never make up for what has gone on, I can only hope we can look back and say, yea thing’s went bad fast and hard, and it was a childhood you should never have had, given my own, you would have thought I would know better, but it is what it is.
What is done is done, and I hope one day, you can hold in your heart some forgiveness for allowing this to happen to you. For now, You are with the best family anyone could ask for, a couple who understand and clearly whom adore you. I treasure my time with you, and I’ll remember this time is short, and maybe, just maybe one day, we can rebuild the bond that I should never have destroyed.

I love you my dear boy, thank you for being you, I need to stop here, the tears making it hard to type.
I am just sorry I failed you I simply cannot express that enough