I am Sorry

I write this with fear, I write this with tears threatening, time and time again over the past few weeks, I have come back to this, unsure whether I will ever publish it, Unsure why I need to do this, but it’s another part of my puzzle I am trying to understand. I don’t even know where to start, so why don’t I just go straight in, no damn’s given.
Every part of my being is screaming at me not to do this, but my emotions are over riding me, I know by doing this, this is the final moment, everything will be destroyed, but if it gives you that chance to be the father to those children, the parent I will never be allowed to be, then screw it. I have already lost everything, I have nothing left to loose.

I will never forget the feeling of seeing your words to another, my heart sinking, my confidence falling time after time, as the years went by, your constant emotional cheating eating away at my mind

Ill never forget your arms roughly pinning me down, trapping me, the first time the fear running through my veins, until I realized this was your way of trying to stop me.

I will never forget your weight on my body, your hands on my shoulders, pushing me down face into the bed, as your forced yourself into me, asserting your dominance your right as my husband to my body

I will never forget your hand against my face, harsh and cold, the look in your eyes, as you deemed it your way of giving me a message, one i have clearly never understood

Ill never forget waking to the accusations you threw at me, ones I realise now you to reflect off your own path. Make me out to be bad person, so when the shit hit the fan, you would still be a loveable needy friendly guy

Ill never forget the tears burning my cheeks. As I find messages informing me you wished you had married another, or the time you had rather stood outside with another seeking comfort from strangers, when your wife needed you more then anything.

Opening up my messges, time after time, my heart sinking further and further as I realised my private life had become yours to tell, to gain yourself sympathy and attention, from strangers, your hope to accomplish what, I will never understand.

When I said I do, my mind filled with hopes and dreams, a new future, I could forgive the previous weeks flirting, nerves I told myself, all men get them

Every time I found a message, or flirtatious behavior to another, I blamed myself for not being good enough for you, had I let myself go, did I not give you enough attention, had I failed you in some way?

You may be able to brush it all under the carpet, say it was yesterday, you may be able to laugh it off as a joke, that your wife is mental, mock me behind my back as your way of coping, that stuff needed to be done, yet at what cost?

You may be able to sit there and say that was all yesterday, but I live in fight or flight mode, ready to defend myself at the constant fear of not knowing how you are going to react. You say you are proud to say you are not violent, but it only takes once, for that trust to be broken.
Silent anger, silent frustration fills me with fear, the unknown.

You may even sit there and say you have forgotten everything, thing’s done on impulse, actions done with no care, able to then push it to one side, clear your conscious and state you don’t recall anything.

I understand you don’t see the impact this has had on one’s confidence, as over the years, I have been worn down, constantly in a mode that is unsafe, yet so safe for me, Losing who I am, as I compared myself to others, what did they have that I was missing?

You may say that this is the past, and why bring it to the now, you have moved forward, so why can’t I?
How can I move forward from this, when my past is always thrown back at me, why should this time be excluded when it shaped me in a way I don’t who I am even know any more
You are not to blame for this part, but it plays a part in this time

I have learnt so much of recent in regards to life and how emotions work, I’m struggling to understand emotions whats right whats wrong, as each time I seem to get it incorrect.

But one I know is right, and one that is strong is fear, fear of the unknown, fear of tomorrow, fear of yesterday, fear of life.

Where things will go from here I do not know, but paths are changing and changing fast.

I am sorry that I wasn’t able to be the wife you wanted me to be,
I am sorry I didn’t steal your heart from day one,
If I had known I wasn’t quite what you were wanting, I would never have said yes,
I would have let you live your life as you preferred.
I am sorry for anything and everything I have put you through,
I am sorry for letting you down at every turn,

I am sorry

I Have debated over and over publishing this. Knowing that I am wrong in every form

I adore the person who has caused me so much heart break.

I am sorry that my mental health deemed it acceptable for you to react in this way, I understand now that my mental health has caused more issues theN i wish to admit. I am sorry you felt un loved, unwanted, I am sorry you felt distant from me.

I was crying out for you, I am sorry it was to late

If I could turn back the clock i would.

But i cant so im. Sorry