A New Path, I am so scared

Am i who i am because of the way i have been treated or am i treated the way I am because of who I am

This is a question I ask myself constantly, over and over, trying to work out the truth, if there is even one to that question.
My path over the last 3 years has been near on impossible, I have lost my way, the reason for that date, 2/04/19, never been asked to me, instead assumptions made, written down, in fact, they told me why I had my breakdown. I loved (yea right!!) opening paperwork and seeing thing’s written about myself that had no context, quotes stolen from here, people deciding my reasoning for my actions and behaviors. Deciding for me, childhood trauma stood in my way of being a better person, stood in the way of me healing from my current state of mind, if only they had spoken to me, got through that wall, they would have seen something they didn’t even want to try and look for.

All I needed was a simple question asked to me, but it never came, like with everything else in my life, rather then speaking to me, the answer was decided for me me. I have never understood what was so hard about speaking to me, yes I understand I have moment’s where my anger could override logic, but wouldn’t you get frustrated if you kept reading things about yourself over and over, words plucked from some where, whilst ignoring the subject of the writings?

The biggest one for me is, My breakdown April 2nd 2019, a date forever burned into my mind, the day my mind decided to turn itself off then on again, a reset moment. No one has ever, until recently, asked me why this happened, or what may have led to it, instead professionals and in some ways my husband, decided to claim that the traumas of my upbringings was the cause. The reality is so far from their truth, and now maybe its time they heard my truth. The truth of which I have finally been able to speak about to one who listened. Asked a simple question in response to a comment, and I was finally able to spill everything. The truth behind my breakdown finally listened to, believed and I was reassured its OK, we have got this

.
Whether we have or not, is yet to be clear, as I have struggled over the past few weeks, my mind a mess, every day anxiety fighting me, so hard, as I struggled to contain emotions I didn’t know how to handle. Knowing that thing’s where finally reaching a point of change, the biggest one of recent, one I don’t know if I like, or even if I wanted to do it, comfort in my own darkness,
Now though,
The answer to the question of why my mind broke in 2019 is finally out, Life will never be the same again, I am so fucking scared, I question everything, have I done the right thing, But it’s too late now. I have started a path that I need to tread so carefully, my mental health scares me. Yet I won’t allow it to control me.

Tomorrow I get to snuggle my mini human’s, this is all I need for now, everything else can come after. Whatever that may be, for now, my future is so unknown