Walking into the up the stairs, door after door,
A hotel staff member concerned, constantly asking if she could help, if only i could speak to tell her, no one can help, its too late, finally I step through an open door, dropping my one small bag to the floor, as the door clicks shut behind me, I struggle to catch my breathe as a silent scream slips from within. Tears start to burn my face, my vison fades into a blur, My body crumbles, I dont understand, yet I do, Is this the final lesson, to teach me what an awful person I am, For the next 7 days I am to live in limbo, My world ripped out from under my feet, Miles from home, unable to hold them, unable to be held by him, unable to pick up the phone, nothingness, these four walls are about to become a jail of which I hold the key, yet I am so trapped I force my body to stand, I slam the curtains shut, I welcome the warmth of the dark,
My phone rings, I dont care for more lectures, I wish to hear my own silence, when I awoke at 5am this morning, I knew this moment would come, but it made it no easier.
I hope the choices next are the right ones, choices that are out of my hands, choices that decide my future, its destroying me inside, I will not be selfish, i cannot be, but it scares me what will happen in 6/7 days.
Please dont make me do this, I can’t do this, yet I have no choice, unable to talk to anyone, I blog this with fear, every movement online watched, please i beg you let me have this space, my one safe place, its all I have left to be able to release. I am still human, i still have feelings and emotions, i need this place
peacefullyerratic.com 
You’ve vaguely told me what’s going on today and truly it’s heartbreaking; it’s only then when I read stuff like this do I seriously gauge how awful things have become for yourself. As you know I’m quite the hard faced bastard, but the past couple of posts on here have made me shed a tear or 5. You always have and always will be a friend in my eyes, even though the thing that initially brought us all together has ended, unlike many I won’t abandon you for that. I truly wish there was a way I could help; words are meaningless but if you ever do need to vent or what have you, my shouting box is always available (you’ve kind of twigged who this is)
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